Have you ever taken a trip to some far off vacation destination resort that you have been planning for months? If you are in the infertility game, maybe not for a long time, but do you remember all of the anticipation? The EXPECTATIONS? What happened when you got off the plane? Did you find yourself in paradise with the Dos Equis guy offering you a beer? Were there bikini-clad women and man hunk dudes all over the place? Or did it look like a haggard, we are pasty and proud of it, barnyard bash of smelly unshaven people shambling about on a cheap, gross & hot beer drunken stupor? Basically, did it meet all of your expectations? If it did, great and where was it because once we hit the lottery we would like to go also. If it didn’t was it because you didn’t do all of the necessary flat-foot sleuthing about the place before booking your National Lampoon’s Vacation.
Much like planning for a big event, like a huge annual vacation, or say a surrogacy for example, it is important to have a discussion about expectations and to really dig deep on the topic. When Candace and I entered into our first stage of agreement to go for this awesome opportunity with our surrogate and her husband, albeit a verbal agreement, we all thought it was important to have a discussion about what our expectations would be for every aspect of this endeavor we could think of. At the end of this post, we will have a link to a list of questions, but I wanted to summarize a couple of topics and give a few examples from our experience.
Who can Know
Although this should be a really exciting thing for everyone involved, there are a variety of situations where some of the parties involved may not be interested in broadcasting the news to the World. Those that follow us know that Candace and I have literally broadcast our private fertility struggles to the World, but not everyone is that comfortable. It is important to establish how broadly everyone is comfortable in people around you knowing exactly what is going on. The whole point is to make sure that everyone is as calm as possible during what is sure to be a stress-riddled segment in your lives. No point in introducing awkward conversations with strangers in the grocery store into this mix.
Who can be There
So, this was a little awkward for me (Chris) but we talked about who could be in the room during the transfer, ultrasound appointments, delivery, etc. It is important. Maybe your surrogate does not want your “X” chromosome stinkin’ up the place while she is exposing all of her lady bits to the docs … fair enough. Maybe she is more comfortable with rolling solo to the ultrasound appointments and then mailing you or, to jump back into the 21st Century, texting you the pictures. Either way, if this is a point of contention, discuss it, but in the end, you should make sure to do what the surrogate is most comfortable with. After all, she did offer her oven for what is sure to be an adorable bun of yours.
Where will she(we) be
Does she have a OBGYN that she is super comfortable with? Do you think yours would be better? What hospital does she plan to deliver at? Does her OBGYN/hospital have all of the features that you would be interested in, e.g., 4-D ultrasound and other non-standard things? Lots to talk about, lots to discuss, again plan to defer to what makes her most comfortable. Your biggest concern along these lines is does the hospital she plans to deliver at have good coffee or is at least in close proximity to a Starbucks? Okay, maybe that should not be the first concern … top 5?
What’s Going in Where
This one is fairly broad. Do you have requests for your surro’s diet while she is pregnant? The obvious ones are easy, smoking, drugs, alcohol, etc. What about caffeine, fast food, fatty foods, fish, processed foods? Talk about all of your concerns but think through these to make sure that your concerns are legit. For example, if your surro loves strawberries but you don’t, don’t deprive her or request her to deprive herself of these delicious fruity bits of goodness just because they don’t sit right with you. Here’s a tough one, what if you are a vegetarian or what if your surro is? Not sure how to deal with that, but come up with a plan on day one that everyone is comfortable with. We don’t have to worry about that one thankfully. We are all food lovers, makes this easy for us. The other thing is medications, do you want her to have whatever medications during the birth she wants? Does she? What about the intended father (me)? Can I have some Valium? Just writing out all of this stuff is making me realize how much we had to wade through so early on. It’s important though. How about during the pregnancy and, better yet, before the pregnancy. We gave our surro some fancy prenatals and a few other supplements to help facilitate the transfer. Think of it as putting some nice padding in her oven for our little frosty to gently rest on and hopefully turn into a screaming pooping monster about nine months later.
When will we see you Again
So, this is a little bit of projecting but it is important to discuss your expectations after your bouncing bundle of happiness has been born. Do you plan on becoming besties with your surro and her family? Will you have a lasting bromance with your surro’s husband? Or is this business only? What about during the pregnancy? Will you be stalking your surro? Performing CSI-type investigations of their trash to determine what she had for dinner and if she really is eating the taro root smoothies that you told her to? Or will you only be in contact during appointments and to discuss contract details. There is no right or wrong answer to this but it is important to be as honest and forthcoming as possible.
If everybody knows what to expect, then the next year or so of your lives will hopefully be filled with great memories instead of awkward interactions and arguments. Good luck to all of our intended parents out there and God Bless You surrogates and surrogate families for all of your sacrifice to help us build our families. Now, get to talkin’!
Check out this free printable of a billion, well not really a billion but a ton of questions to ask your potentional gestational carrier/surrogate.
Click Here
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Your story has inspired me to become a surrogate. My husband and I have 2 children together and he had 1 from a previous relationship. I’ve always known how lucky we are to have such beautiful and healthy children, but I’ve rarely thought of how easy it was for us to conceive. Your story has made me realize how unbelievably fortunate I am and made me want to give that gift to another woman. After watching your story this evening, my husband and I spoke at length about it and have decided we’d like to help a couple like the 2 of you, who will obviously make such wonderful and loving parents, but are unable to do it on their own. Thank you so much for sharing your very personal journey. I thought you may like to know because you did, another couple may also have their dreams fulfilled. I wish you the best of luck and will be praying for you that your surrogate gets pregnant soon.
If no one ever were to read our blog or watch our show again I can truely say that we have set out what we wanted to accomplish from this comment alone. WOW. You are pretty freaking amazing for wanting to bless a childless family like Chris and I. If you are comfortable my email is ourmisconception@gmail.com I would like to connect with you and send you something. Again, thank for this message and I hope you update me on your journey towards blessing a couple and the incredibly unselfish sacrifice of a surrogate/gestational carrier.
Hello!
I just watched your episode today. I am in the final stages of finishing a contract with my intended Parents. For insurances purposes we will do the transfer in January. After watching your episode, it FULLY reinsured that this is why I’m helping another families dream come true!
Keep us posted!!!
Tori from Indianapolis
Wow Tori!
It is so rewarding to know that by watching our episode and reading our blog, you were encouraged that what you are doing is the right thing! We thank you for the incredibly selfless act of being a surrogate and helping to make other peoples’ dreams come true. We would like to send you something for your act of kindness. Please send us an e-mail to ourmisconception@gmail.com. Best of luck to you and your intended parents!
Hey Chris and Candace. Thanks for sharing your story. I really appreciate your candor. I am pretty new to the IVF/surrogacy process, just starting to explore it as a possible option for my family. We have a unique situation as we don’t technically have any fertility problems, but rather I have two chronic illnesses that require medication that is not safe for pregnancy. We were one of THOSE couples that were thinking about getting pregnant but not really trying, and we got pregnant on the first try. My daughter is an awesome toddler now, but her pregnancy and labor were incredibly rough on me, with multiple ER trips and hospitalizations (due to being off my meds, which, combined with pregnancy, caused hyperemesis and severe pre eclampsia among other things). While I nearly died, I survived in the end, and my daughter was born completely healthy via emergency c-section. I was crazy enough to try again, but after multiple ER visits over a short period of trying while off my medication, I realized it just wasn’t worth the risk. My husband and I are now researching the adoption and surrogacy process, and we hope to be able to do both. The price of both sucks and scares us, but the fact that you guys are here, posting as you go through the ivf and surrogacy process, is super helpful and comforting, especially the printable worksheets. So thanks, and know you have another person rooting for you guys and your future family. Sincerely, LT
LT, thank you for sharing your story. It sounds like you all have been through a lot and your courage to go through it again is very admirable. First, for the cost of adoption/surrogacy, we found a lot of good information is a book “Adopt Without Debt.” We actually reached out to the author and learned a bit more. We have been working to save money and doing fundraising as much as possible. It is somewhat difficult to reach our hand out to ask for money or donations from others, but without so much generosity that we have already received, we would be much further away from being able to afford our upcoming surrogacy. We are still far from having enough, but there is a lot that can be done and that book was a great start for us. Keep us updated and if you would like some more tips, e-mail us at ourmisconception@gmail.com.