For those of you who have been following along for a while, (especially on Instagram) you’ve probably see me post about Dani over at the fabulous blog, The Great Pudding Club Hunt. She’s my spirit animal. In a world where we could use a few extra good humans, (in poor language terms) she’s the good-ist of humans. She has also dealt with incredible adversity in her efforts to become a parent. One of the many things I love about Dani is that she is a passionate advocate for awareness. Although it breaks my heart that she has had to have such life altering experiences, I am so thankful for her ability to articulate them in such a way as to help break stigmas and stoke new perspectives.
Dani- #WhatIWantYouToKnow – Pregnancy loss in the workplace
I tried to hold back the tears as I blurted out “I’m actually pregnant….” I paused and took a breath “…but the doctors just told me I might lose my baby”
My colleague looked shocked. He told me to go. Go be with my husband. Go do whatever I needed to do. Don’t worry about work, there was nothing for me to worry about here.
I instantly felt relief that he wasn’t annoyed at me for leaving him in the lurch at the last minute.
This wasn’t the way I planned to tell my colleagues I was pregnant. They already knew I was going through IVF so it wouldn’t have been a huge surprise to them, but this was not the story I expected to be telling them. I planned to bring in a box of donuts along with a photo of the ultrasound and a message saying “Eat up, I don’t want to be the only one with a big belly around here…Chris and I are expecting in April!” Instead, I was a crying mess. I hid in the toilets wishing I hadn’t worn mascara to work that day. At that point I had no idea what was going on with my body. All I knew was that one moment the doctor was gushing down the phone telling me the good news – I was finally pregnant – and the next, she was telling me this pregnancy wasn’t viable and there was a chance it was ectopic.
The next ten days were agonizing. More blood work, more ultrasounds, more waiting as the chances of my pregnancy being viable diminished by the day, phone calls with different doctors with different opinions. Every time I went to the toilet I was wiping, looking for blood, anticipating the worst. Every time I cramped or felt a twinge I anticipated the worst. My mind quickly played out scenarios of the best way to get to the Emergency Room. I wished, I hoped, I dreamed it was all a mistake. Doctors can be wrong…miracles can happen can’t they?
I went to work with a brave face, it was terribly hard to focus on my job. But my colleagues were understanding and were quietly and privately supportive. I cannot imagine how I would have survived this torture in secret. They gave me hope and comfort, I wasn’t alone. In fact many of my colleagues opened up to me about their own losses, most of which they had kept secret.
Finally, the time came to make a decision, the doctors believed they could see something in my Fallopian tube where my baby was probably growing, they told me I should terminate the pregnancy before my fallopian tube would burst, endangering both my future fertility and indeed my life. I was broken. After we made the painful decision to terminate we were told we had to pick up the medication from the nearby children’s hospital pharmacy. It was one of the greatest challenges in my life, to sit in that children’s hospital waiting for a drug, methotrexate, that was going to terminate a pregnancy for a child we had so desperately wanted to have.
Afterwards, I took just two days of sick leave before I going back to work. Mother nature did not let me forget I had been pregnant as I continued to bleed heavily whilst I travelled to Europe for work. It is impossible to forget, impossible to focus, impossible to ignore. Experiencing loss whilst working is incredibly difficult, putting on a “brave face” and yet many women (and men) experience this in complete and utter silence. Working in a male dominated industry, I can understand the additional challenges women can face if they announce a miscarriage. Will it affect my chances for a promotion? Will they think I am an unreliable employee? Will they move me to a different project?
I am not going to sugar coat it. Some people told me “it was meant to be” and some said “You can try again”. These words were hurtful, but they didn’t know better, how could they when we don’t talk about it? Besides, these negative comments were far outweighed by the support I had at large.
What I want you to know brave women and men, is that it should be OK to talk about pregnancy loss in the workplace.
We must talk about it. We must break down the stigma. We mustn’t be afraid to share our stories of pain. We need people to know how common this is and how it affects us.
Everyone deals with loss in different ways. My loss was incredibly early, but I grieved for months whilst my body recovered from the methotrexate. For me, being at work helped me through the bad days. The support I received was nothing short of amazing. For others, you may need more time off work or ask for the opportunity to work from home. That’s OK. But it’s on us to educate and talk to our employers about pregnancy loss.
-Dani
You can also find Dani on Instagram, Facebook, and on her amazing blog, The Great Pudding Club Hunt.
For those who want to keep insta-tabs on our regular shenanigans check out @Ourmisconception on Instagram. If you have comments, witty quips to share or need some encouragement feels, drop by our Facebook page.
