What I Want You to Know About Miscarriage

I have a love/hate relationship with October. I love it because Halloween is kinda awesome. There’s also a barrage of pumpkin spice flavor takes over the grocery stores, and I am basic like that. Most of all, I get the opportunity to share the strength and raw grit of mothers who have experienced loss and are reemerging from the rubble. I read each and every word that is sent to me, and I deeply feel the emotions that radiate off of my computer screen. For many years, during the month of October, Chris and I open our blog and let others tell their story. As amazing and empowering as this month is, I also hate it. It’s a reminder that something so horrible happened and that a loss of this magnitude will continue to happen to others. It is up to all of us to lead the change on how miscarriage and infant loss is  perceived and talked about. Most of all, that we bring awareness to a topic that is all too often silent. 

Lara is the first to share her story with us this month. This is what she wants you to know about miscarriage: 

Lara-My husband and I tried to get pregnant for several years before we tried IVF. We had never become pregnant using other treatments, so when we became pregnant with the first transfer we were ecstatic. But, it wasn’t meant to be. We would lose that baby, that I would later name Luke. A couple of months later we did another IVF transfer, only to lose both babies. If asked, I couldn’t have told you what I felt during that time, because I didn’t feel anything. I was completely shattered and my heart’s way of coping was to numb everything. I slept, I ate, I went to work, but everything was dark. Even now, almost a year after my first miscarriage, I still wonder what I could have done. Did I love those babies enough? Why couldn’t they have stayed? What was wrong with me that I couldn’t carry my own child and keep him safe?

Eventually, we were ready to try another transfer. My husband was hopeful. He remained hopeful through everything, even though I would see him tear up. I was just trying to use up the embryos we had. I had already convinced myself that none of them would work, that we would spend years trying and doing IVF and would never get to bring home a baby. Our third transfer we put in two embryos. One stuck. One we lost. The one that stuck kept sticking. And every day I would convince myself that he was gone. Every appointment I couldn’t look at the monitor because I couldn’t see another empty uterus. But every time he was there. Still sticking. What I want you to know is that yes, things can change for the better. But what I also want you to know is that every day I am terrified that we will lose this baby, too.

As I tried to navigate the hopelessness and helplessness that I felt I ended up writing and each time a negative thought entered my mind, I would attempt to write a counter thought to take the negativity away. Here’s what I want you, yes you mama and daddy who have lost babies, is this:

What I want you to know is that it wasn’t your fault.

What I want you to know is there wasn’t anything you could have done to prevent this.

What I want you to know is that if loved could have saved your baby, he would be in your arms.

What I want you to know is that there is no right way to grieve.

What I want you to know is that it’s okay to scream, cry, or to be silent.

What I want you to know is that I know your pain.

What I want you to know is that it never goes away, but it does become manageable.

What I want you to know is that you will always love your baby that you lost.

What I want you to know is that just because you had an early loss, doesn’t mean your baby didn’t matter.

What I want you to know is that you will remember every birthday that should have been.

What I want you to know is that you can love again.

What I want you to know is that you will be forever changed.

What I want you to know is that even though you may feel broken now, you will heal

What I want you to know is that your heart will heal, but it will still have cracks.

What I want you to know is that my first baby’s name is Luke and he would have been 4 months old.

What I want you to know is that I was too heartsick to name the next three babies I lost.

What I want you to know is that if you tell me your baby’s name, I will listen while you tell me about him.

What I want you to know is that though we have never met, I will hold your hand and let you cry, and I will cry with you.

What I want you to know is that it wasn’t your fault.

What I want you to know is that all your baby ever knew was you, your heartbeat, and your love for him.

What I want you to know is that it wasn’t your fault.

What I want you to know is that you loved your baby enough. HE WAS LOVED.

What I want you to know is that it is NOT YOUR FAULT.

What I want you to know is that it is not your fault.

This was not your fault.

There is still hope. Miscarriage statistics are 1 in 4. One in four women have experienced a miscarriage. Of course, that doesn’t make it easier when you experience one, but it helps to know that you’re not alone, even if you choose not to tell your story. Miscarriage is an ugly word. I HATE the word. I hate that it implies that someone is to blame. NO one is to blame. This is no one’s fault. And yet, we blame ourselves everyday. What could I have done differently? Why did my body fail me? What is wrong with me? Nothing. Nothing could have changed this. We remember our lost children every October during awareness month; but we remember them every day. On their due dates, during holidays, we will remember them when they were supposed to start Kindergarten, or graduate from high school. We will remember them when we want to be grandparents. We will remember them each year at the family reunion. We will remember them one the days we are happy, on the days we are sad, on the days that are sunny and on the days that are cloudy. We hold them in our heart and we never forget them. But there is still hope.

 

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