For those that have been reading our blog for some time, I think it is sufficient to say that Candace and I went through a downpour of obstacles, setbacks, and disappointments to get to where we are today, which is holding our 5 month miracle Jelly Bean. Candace posed an interesting question to me the other day and I thought I would divulge the inner workings of my thoughts in a post. The question was simple and profound, “Knowing what I know now, would I give up all of the hardship and time AND JELLY BEAN to have our first IUI or IVF be successful?” Admittedly, I thought about this for about 0.0006 seconds before answering resoundingly, “Hell No!” The rational side of me says, “Hey idiot! You would have tens of thousands of dollars, a seven year old child, and likely not be pinching pennies (as an aside, my penchant for craft beer has been seriously squelched as a result of our infertility woes, please have pity on me) as a result of wringing my wallet dry so many times.” Yep, that is the faithful rational side. I listened to that side for about 0.0004 seconds. The other 0.0002 seconds were spent getting the thought from my heart (yes, you do think from there on occasion, I am not touching which gender thinks from there more often though, Candace can tackle that another day) to my brain. Although to those without children it seems somewhat mythical, it is true that the visceral feelings you develop for your child cannot be understood without having a child.
Why the hell would I put this on a blog about infertility and family building issues? “Sure, why not put a little more salt in my wounds Chris!” Please forgive me if that is the impression you get. Rather, I am saying this as encouragement for those in the throes of infertility. Sometimes, it is the rational side that we listen to. “Well (insert your name), you have tried IVF X times and each time has failed, why would you expect the next time to be different?” “You know adoption is very expensive and lengthy, should you expend all that effort?” It is in these instances, that we need to wait that 0.0002 seconds for the feeling from our heart to get to our brain. What does that part of your being say? If your heart also says that you should consider being a childless family, then by all means, consider that avenue. That is one of the hardest paths to pursue but for some, it is truly the right one. If your heart says, maybe one more try, maybe you should go to the adoption information session, maybe you should progress from IUIs to IVF, then maybe it is time to kick that rational side in the shnuts.
In all honesty, the rational side of me said that surrogacy would not be viable: too expensive, too risky, too much to lose. Thankfully, my heart, and Candace, gave my rational side a cup-check and we ran headfirst into what seemed like a swirling storm of scissors into surrogacy. I will never regret that decision. Just like I would never want that first IVF round to have worked if it meant that I would not have our little Jelly Bean. Knowing what I know now, I would try another 7 years, sell my house and 1 kidney (remember the beer comments, I need at least one), and get a second job if that is what it took to bring Jelly Bean home. So cheers to being irrational and listening to that quieter, yet sometimes wiser, heart thought!
Such a brilliant post and true statement! ‘Just like I would never want that first IVF round to have worked if it meant that I would not have our little Jelly Bean.’ 100% how we all feel!!!