Chris- “I ain’t cleaning that up! It’s your mess!” “You better handle your dog/child/out of control hobby/ etc.!” “You fix it!” If you have received any of these comments, then your accuser is placing the blame solely on you for whatever calamity has transpired. Are they right? Sometimes, sadly, the answer is yes. If you were working on an autonomous painting robot that went berserk and painted your mother-in-law sea foam green, yeah, you are probably to blame and need to fix it ASAP. But, there are plenty of times when your accuser is partially to blame or even equally at fault.
Changing roles here, why do we do this? Why do we take all of the “dust” on our side of the blame room, sweep it to the other person’s side and then, get mad at them for not cleaning up ALL the dust? There are lots of different reasons for this: anger, frustration, guilt, sadness, fear, anxiety. Just about every negative emotion out there right?
We never do this blame game thing out of happiness or through consideration of the other person’s wellbeing. 
OK, we know emotions are fueling our “YOU better handle YOUR business” comments. What do we do about it? Let me rip on my fellow gents first, then I will list three things you can do instead of standing back and saying, “YOU handle it.” First, guys, although I think the tide is changing, I still believe that there are plenty of testosterone over-driven fellas out there that think that infertility is only a chick thing. “I know my sh$t is working, I proved it to a dozen women in college … well, 6 women in college … well, 3 women in college … OK 1 woman in college, but she verified that my junk is fully functional.”
Fellas, do yourselves, your sanity, your wallet, and your significant other a HUGE favor and do the uncomfortable chicken choking/dolphin flogging/meat mastering at your fertility clinic to get your sperm army checked out. Yes, we all know you are incredibly masculine, yes we all know that you can rip a phone book in half, yes we all know that you can stop bullets with your steely chest. So, why is getting your man nectar checked out such a big deal? Suck it up, go rub one out, and get it done.
Alright folks, tirade over. Here are three things to do instead of pushing the blame off on our significant other based on your level of responsibility in the mess. What I hope you gain is an appreciation for one simple fact-any situation can be turned into something that strengthens your relationship.
- You are equally to blame-this one is probably the easiest … don’t cast blame! Instead, take equal ownership and discuss ways to resolve the conflict. Need a scenario? Here you go …
Chris and Candace tried a new dish soap made from leprechaun tears and got exceptionally sick when none of their dishes were actually cleaned.
Chris: I have been bowing to the porcelain god for the last 12 hours, what were we thinking?
Candace (not pushing the blame on Chris): Yeah, I think the Lepre-bright soap was a bad idea … pause to continue relieving herself of her lunch … let’s get some Dawn and clean our dishes again.
Chris (on the brink of dangerous dehydration): I agree … blahhhhhhhhhhh (more lunch leaving Chris) … that was not OUR best move.
- The blame lies more with the other person-for this, you could totally argue that you had nothing to do with it, but truthfully, your fingerprints are at the scene. Should you admit that this is 33.4% your fault or claim that your clothes are pristinely white? My thought, you should do neither. Instead, simply work to remedy the situation and offer solutions on how a more mutually ascertained decision may be made in future situations. Need a scenario? Yep, you guessed it … Leprechaun soap.
Chris: I have been bowing to the porcelain god for the past 12 hours. What were we thinking?
Candace, deciding to facilitate a more “mutual in the future” approach: Yeah, I should have been more involved and done more research on our decision to use alternative dish cleaning sources. (Pause to regret eating corn while she sees it for the second time) Let’s get some Dawn and clean our dishes again.
Chris: Thanks for not blaming me for this … blahhhhhhhhhhhhh (Chris realizing he should chew his food more) … I should have made sure that we knew more about this product.
- The blame lies solely with the other person-this one is tough folks. There is no sugar coating it. It is the other person’s fault and you could stand on the sidelines and gloat your ass off. “Ha Ha, I told you so!” kind of mentality. But not you! You are an evolved 21st century creature who seeks to make a better balance with the world around you. So instead, you offer blameless assistance in remedying the Everybody good with one last Lepre-bright scenario?
Chris: I have been bowing to the porcelain god for the past 12 hours. What was I thinking?
Candace, who did not take part in any dish cleaning with the Lepre-bright soap and was advantageous enough to not eat off any of the cleaned dishes resulting in her feeling great: I am so sorry that you are feeling this way. [Note the lack of blaming] Let’s get some Dawn and clean the dishes again. [Note, she didn’t say for Chris to clean the dishes. She is taking ownership of the remedy even though she was not part of the cause.]
Chris: Thanks for not blaming me for this and helping me instead … blahhhhhhhhhhh (Was that a piece of bone that came out?) … I will definitely make sure to involve you with future decisions.
Candace-
Relationship foundations are built on a sturdy slab of communication. It is all about how you communicate with each other that reflects on how you will weather the storms and rocky seas that will come your way. So my friends, next time you come across a time were you feel the burning desire to break out the oh so satisfying “I told you so” step back and think about if this have a positive effect on the outcome. Key word. POSITIVE. I admit I have a few of those moments that I thrown back at Chris that make me smile with full gloatness and joy. Did it help resolve the matter. Not really. So just take a different kind of tally, and feed your partner with more positive feedback than negative because no one wins when you play the blame game.
