Sheepishly, I can admit I have once before ok ok ok maybe a few times in moments of weakness, stuffed a pillow under my shirt just to see for that brief second what I would look like if I would have been able to carry a pregnancy. Silly I know, but it is hard not to play into the temptation of wondering what I would look like if things were just a little different…
In this post, these words may do one of two things. Piss people off, or maybe in the dark pits of your emotions you know the ones you are not proud to admit, it will be somewhat relate-able. Case in point. I should be so incredibly grateful, I am. I have someone who is carrying my child, where I could not. An amazing women is carrying my child. I cannot. My body has failed me and I defied mother nature and went around to the back door and found a way to have a child. Our child will be the genetic make-up of both Chris and I. This is an incredible gift and I have been blessed to even have that ace of spades of science in my back pocket.Here is where it gets a bit complicated. I am pregnant but I am not pregnant. I guess the term I could use for this is I have the Unpregnant pregnancy.
Let me begin with my shopping trip with our wonder surro. She has “ism’s.” I will make a post at some point compiling a comical list of the hilarious things that she say’s but the need was prompted by her stating that she felt like she was starting to resemble “a busted can of biscuits.” Time to shop! This was a bump in the road for me. The first time I felt envy or maybe I can attribute this to a derailment of emotions of sorts. Since this is the 4th pregnancy for our wonder surro (2nd gestational pregnancy for her), she is showing. I mean not a small bump, I’m talking BAM positive pregnancy test BAM BAM Bump appears. She needed maternity clothes stat. I also have a weird thing about heels and so I wanted to buy her some comfy flats. I found myself in the dark depths of the maternity section, a place where in any other scenario I would avoid at all costs. I finally had a reason to go into the pregnancy clothing jungle, our child was growing and our surro needed some stretchy-roomy-threads to support a growing miracle.
Let me begin with my shopping trip with our wonder surro. She has “ism’s.” I will make a post at some point compiling a comical list of the hilarious things that she say’s but the need was prompted by her stating that she felt like she was starting to resemble “a busted can of biscuits.” Time to shop! This was a bump in the road for me. The first time I felt envy or maybe I can attribute this to a derailment of emotions of sorts. Since this is the 4th pregnancy for our wonder surro (2nd gestational pregnancy for her), she is showing. I mean not a small bump, I’m talking BAM positive pregnancy test BAM BAM Bump appears. She needed maternity clothes stat. I also have a weird thing about heels and so I wanted to buy her some comfy flats. I found myself in the dark depths of the maternity section, a place where in any other scenario I would avoid at all costs. I finally had a reason to go into the pregnancy clothing jungle, our child was growing and our surro needed some stretchy-roomy-threads to support a growing miracle.
She was picking out various elastic banded pants and I found an adorable shirt I thought would look really cute on her. She plodded off to the dressing room and I stood there, misplaced in the middle of the maternity section having a rush of emotions; feeling vulnerable, envious and overwhelmingly inept. I will never have a need to wear a belly band, but I once had looked forward to wearing one before I knew my plans would be different. It was a reminder that I am helpless bystander. Our surrogate is doing what I am incapable of doing! I fled. I hustled off to the dressing room to check on her. She tried on her pants and I stared at her with a growing volcano of deep simmering emotions; wonderment, envy and gratefulness. We checked out and as I said good bye I got into my car and sobbed the whole way home.
I was angry at myself for feeling upset when I have so much to celebrate. I was angry because I felt like if I cannot provide for my child now at such a critical and natural stage how could I later? I felt shame. I called her later that evening and told her what I was going through and said I would probably skip out on shopping in the future and that I didn’t want her to think that I was bailing on future shopping just because. The great thing about her is she incredibly understanding. This is the ugly side of infertility, and I naively no foolishly thought that that since my whole life has changed I would be immune. Although what is going on for Chris and I is amazing and we are eternally grateful to our surro, there is always that slight sense of failure, inability, or just plain bad luck that creeps its way into our conscious every once in a while. Will I be able to venture into the dark recesses of the women’s maternity section someday? Maybe. For now though, seeing bumps, other than our surro’s is still too raw of a reminder that I will forever be “bump-less.”
I really hope no one leaves negative comments for you or makes you feel bad for this post. I’m still at the point in our infertility struggle when the doctors bring up the option of surrogates, I can’t wrap my head around it. My sisters have offered and I just don’t think I could handle the jealousy. You are a strong woman for going through this for so many years and staying positive and I hope you don’t feel bad for getting upset while shopping – any human with normal emotions would have gotten upset. Sending happy thoughts your way..
Oh dear Candace! All I can do for you (right now) is give you a virtual hug! No, I don’t know what you are going through, but Yes, I can understand the empty pit of failure and vulnerability! My heart aches for you! Yes you have so much to be grateful for, but don’t let that stop you from the pain you feel also. You ARE allowed! Love you!!! Xoxo
What you are feeling is really understandable. In my case my body failed to produce viable eggs and we had to go donor egg route and a donor embryo for this pregnancy. After this pregnancy I’ll have to have a hysterectomy.
Hey Guys. I totally get where youre coming from. I also see why it may upset some people. I often think about how lucky I am, but that I don’t feel like ‘one of them’…one of those people who gets pregnant and comes home with a baby effortlessly.. It makes me REALLY dislike pregnant people, which is very conflicting because I AM pregnant. I always look around any restaurant or store that Im in, and know that very likely there is someone in that room who has had a loss or struggled with IF. I want her to know that Im like her!! I know her pain, and because I currently am pregnant doesn’t mean I cant relate to her, and don’t understand how she may be feeling. Its such a mind F.
I wish once we got to ‘the other side’ we could feel relief and joy, but it just isn’t like that. for ME accepting that was the first step. KNOWING I would be sad when I sad pregnant people or infants and not trying to hide it, or stop it helped me.
I cannot imagine what its like to be in your very unique shoes. I wish you were the one picking out the maternity clothes and enjoying the shopping trips. BUT DO NOT for one minute think that you will not be able to emotionally provide for your child down the road Candace. You are going to be an amazing Mother, and even if right now TODAY you are wondering if you will be a gret Mom just because you are not physically pregnant, Im here to tell you you WILL be. XOXO
Lynn
I don’t think you have anything to be ashamed of. I LOVE that you are finally having a child. I HATE it for you that you can’t carry the pregnancy. That’s not fair. You are being robbed of an experience that you should be able to have. I don’t think you need to beat yourself up over feeling this way at all. It makes a lot of sense. I do think, that once your baby is in your arms, how s/he got there will be in the back of your mind for a good bit…ya’ know at least until you can sleep 6 hours in a row again. Anysomehow, it would be crazy to expect you not to be sad about this. I hope with time it diminishes, and I can’t wait for the baby to be in your arms!
Candace- Your blog resonated with me in so many ways! I had nearly the same feelings just this weekend and felt like no one understands how I feel. We are at the contracts stage of surrogacy and I feel SO blessed to have found such a wonderful woman to carry my child. At the same time, I feel sad, angry and jealous that I won’t ever get to experience carrying a pregnancy to term. It’s incredibly hard having all of those competing feelings at once. All that being said, please let yourself off the hook for having trouble “providing for my child at such a critical and natural stage” and do not worry at all that this will in any way reflect your ability to provide for your child in the future. There is NOTHING about this surrogacy stuff that is natural so do not kick yourself or feel any shame for feeling uncomfortable maternity clothing shopping. You have already provided for your child by selecting such an amazing “wonder surro” to take care of your precious baby for nine months. The strength, courage, compassion and resilience that you have developed throughout your IF journey will no doubt make you an incredible mother. Thank you for your candor- your words have helped me in more ways than you know (this is also how I know you will be an amazing mom!) I look forward to reading more along the way!