I use to love the holidays. I would have every decoration, tinsel, and twinkling light bulb out to showcase our festive spirit. I am even the kind of psycho person that has their Christmas list checked off before Thanksgiving. Not this year. Two stockings still hang over our fireplace with hopes of being filled with baby dust and a third stocking to fill. The only reason I have a tree decorated this year is because my aunt couldn’t bear to see me be mopezilla and I watched Chris and her decorate our tree as I cried. Why? The holidays SUCK when you are infertile. Yes, my inner Grinch is surfacing. It’s not me though; it is the waiting, hoping, and emotional turmoil of infertility while watching others celebrate this time on a level that we have not had the opportunity to experience. It isn’t that everything sucks, but some things seem to come up during this time that stay in the murky dark regions of our fertility driven minds the rest of the year.
The holidays are hard for infertile couples. Here is why:
Holiday Cards-The mailbox is my nemesis right now. We love hearing how our out of town friends are doing and we always think it is awesome to see their kids one year older. BUT (capitalized for emphasis) each Christmas card that we open with the super happy family inside is kind of a smack in the face that we still don’t have a family. This one is kind of a catch 22 because we don’t want our friends to not send their cards, but we don’t necessarily want to see them either. Honestly, we would probably be more butt hurt if we were purposely left off the cute, riddled with kids, Christmas card list. Man, infertile couples are complicated right? We figured out a way to make this a bit more bearable though. It is a game called Christmas Card Roulette. Here is what you need: 1. Christmas Cards, 2. An angry uterus, 3. Some form of adult beverage. I went with a cheap beer, Candace with her usual cheap wine. You stand apart from one another with the daily catch of Christmas cards flipped over so you can’t see who they are from. Then, each of you takes turns opening a card. For every picture of a child on a card, you have to take a drink. That way, you get to enjoy the families that you see while making fun of your loving partner for how much they physically, dietary, have to enjoy that family. PS I don’t think dietarily is a word, but it should be.
Good Willed, Ill worded Family Members– The holiday brings on many parties and family gatherings. Which is open season for comments, interrogations, digs alike. Aunt Betty, and your 50 other cousins are going to ask you why you don’t have a bun in the oven yet. It will sting. You will muster up a smile and say the following:
“I am waiting to be rich and famous first.” How about, “I have a fur-baby, doesn’t that count?” Or try “I am going to work on growing a garden first, if everything survives we will try out the kid thing”.
These questions from family and friends come from caring intentions. Just ill timed. Remember, those who interrogate you and your husband in a public setting on your lack of kids, do not truly understand your pain.
Watching your Parents be Second Santa- This one is one that has been pretty difficult for us. I think now that we are open about my busted plumbing to our gaggle of parents, it is also difficult and awkward for them too. Between the two of us, we have a ton of siblings. Some have kids. Although we are an aunt and uncle several times over, I have a recent new nephew addition (a freaking cutie, with lil’ chubby cheeks BTW) that was a “surprise”. My parents are so incredibly excited to see him, spoil him and pull out a switch blade against anyone who challenges them to take him away while they are holding him. I love seeing him and would do anything to have more time with all of our nieces and nephews. But we sit and watch the complete life we want, seeing other families do family things while Chris and I just be … well, infertile Chris and I.
Buying Kids Presents– When I walk through Dick’s Sporting Goods (Chris typing this one just for clarity), I kind of picture myself holding that golf club on the course, swinging it, making the perfect shot. How about driving by a car dealership? You can picture yourself in the car, cruising down the road, wind whipping your hair into a knotted frenzy. Then, your eyes see the price and BAM, reality hits you and you realize that you won’t be swinging that club or using that car to take that club to the course. That is kind of how shopping for children’s Christmas gifts are for us. We walk through the isles looking at the crazy toys that are out now and our imagination gets the best of us. We picture our kid playing with those things, breaking arms off, begging us to take them to the store to get more batteries and then WHOOSH, there’s that damn reality again! We take out our shopping list and get back on task of finding something to help other people create those memories. At least we get to act on our more sadistic instincts and look for the toys that would generate the most noise.
I want an Elf on the Shelf– It looks so freaking cool. Seriously, I have a whole montage of creative funny ideas for our one day Elf that we would do to get our “pretend kids” excited about Christmas. You see, all of these great ideas, vacations, epic baby showers, holidays and birthdays are just day dreams right now. Come to find out, a child is not something that is entitled to you as a human being… it is a blessing.
So folks, hang in there for the holidays. Ride it out. We will get our Elf on the Shelf someday.
Sending you all hugs & prayers during this Christmas season & for a Happy New Year!! (Teresa, a friend of Shelby’s)
Thank you Teresa!
Thanks for posting this. I’m really dreading the holidays and it helps to know I’m not the only one cringing at the small talk time bomb.
“The Small Talk Bomb” LOVE IT.. so true Amavin so true.
We are in the same boat as you. I wanted the Elf on the Shelf even though after 5 years of trying we STILL don’t have kids. So I said what the heck and bought one. Hubby and I leave him for each other to find. We have a blast with him.
Eff it JStacys, I am taking your great advice and as soon as the holidays are over I will grab one of those suckers on sale for next year! Brillant. Fingers crossed we will be able to have a really good reason next year to put out our Elf.
Life is short…buy that Elf! What a great post you guys. The holidays are so bittersweet for so many of us. I can feel both your pain and joy. xo