The Awkward Silence

 

We are kinda at that awkward point in our cycle.  One we have visited a few too many times.  Still fragile, walking a fine line between tears and trying to fake normalcy.  Infertility is like a tattoo on your forehead that only you can see.  You try to ignore it, scrub it off, do anything you can to remove it, but it remains there, plain as day.  Really where we are is, as Chris put it, climbing out of the muds.  We are almost ready to start talking about next steps.  Not yet there though:

 

Candace:  Sometimes I feel ready to talk, but then I have a cry fest on my way home from work and realize that I am truly not ready.  I know I am still not mentally prepared to think about what we are going to do next.  The one good thing out of all of this is I did a triple gainer into a vat of wine right after we got our results.  Actually, as I type I am at least able to enjoy the sweet nectar that is my full glass of wine, for now.

 

Chris:  I am definitely not ready or capable of having HOPE yet.  One thing I have learned is that HOPE is the fuel that powers you through the next cycle.  Can you go through this without it … sure … we have gone that route before.  I can tell you it is so much darker, so much colder, so much lonelier than if you have the constant companion of HOPE along with you.  FAITH is another great companion, but that is a topic for a future blog post.

 

We are planning a quick beach getaway, a.k.a. temporarily running away from our problems, to visit Chris’s grandparents, aunt and uncle and their kids.  Point is folks, we are doing “OK.”  Some days we get knocked back a few steps, others we move two spaces forward, but we always keep our heads pointed toward our goal.  We don’t know how long the road will be, but somewhere in the near or far distance, our family is waiting.