…because it’s kind of a big deal.
Candace- Over the past few weeks I have heard people repeatedly mention something incredibly shocking to me. Mostly, the sentiment that there has been an increasing lack of involvement in regards to IPs throughout the surrogacy process. Before I unpack this, let’s get to know who’s who here for those who may not be 100% in on the ins and outs of surrogacy.
Our Wonderous Wombmate is our gestational carrier. She is amazing, has great hair, and loves her some Jesus. Gestational carriers have no biological tie to the baby but they do act as one hell of an extreme babysitter.
Chris and I are called Intended Parents. IP’s for acronym-y purposes. I am the intended mother, Chris is the intended father. IM/IF. We made some magic happen in a lab with some really smart people and created glorious embryos.
On multiple occasions, I have heard from various clinics and from our previous Wonder Surro (and yes of course we still talk to her!) that there have been more occasions lately where some of the IPs have been MIA at major appointments such as the embryo transfer, and milestone ultrasounds. I could not imagine not being there. I can also deeply feel for gestational carriers who’s IPs are not able to be present. However in some surrogacy cases, geography can be a factor too. So, a little grace for those situations.
Now that medications have been ordered and we have started the process of preparing for an embryo transfer, we all live our lives by a calendar. It involves countless appointments, a strict schedule of when our Wonderous Wombmate will need to take specific medications, and fostering a double batch of empathy whilst in the middle of all of it. Everyone will need some (empathy) at some point between now and transfer day.
Look folks, here’s the reals. Supporting each other is kind of a big deal. Here’s why:
Be Present.
We have a lot of appointments happening. I say we because our Wonderous Wombmate is gearing up to hopefully carry our baby so why wouldn’t we be at every single appointment that we can be at? If I would have been blessed with a not-so angry uterus it would be me in those stirrups, kicking it with Mr. Ultrasound wand.
That said, we are there. Being present both in person (when possible, because that’s not always an option) and mentally supporting her, shows your gestational carrier that you are in this together. You know, the whole stronger together mentality. Whether you can be there in person or not, the bottom line is surrogacy is a group effort.
Support is a two-way street.
A lot of love, sacrifice, and time is invested to ensure that a surrogacy is successful. Support is key.
It’s all about supporting your gestational carrier in making sure she has everything she needs, including being her cheerleader. The liability of support is also mutual. Most intended parents have gone through countless years of devastation for just a chance to have a child. The weight is both financial and emotional and it is really heavy to bear. As beautiful as surrogacy can be, it is the female version of emasculation for the IM. I call it “womascualtion”.
This is not how I planned it to be. I have prayed for countless years to one day become pregnant and it was never in cards for me. Although I have dealt with that haunting ghost and repressed it for the most part, that gutting pain and desire is still there and looming.
Showing empathy and checking in on your gestational carrier is really important. Medications are incredibly hard on the body. And if everything pans out, so are the pregnancy symptoms. On the other side of the empathy coin, as a gestational carrier, knowing that your IP is holding onto a lot of guilt and past feelings of brokenness for something she wanted but could not provide is essential in understanding some of the complicated feelings that may arise throughout the surrogacy.
Let your language of love shine.
What is your language of love?
Words of affirmation
Quality Time
Acts of Service
Gifting
Physical touch
OK so physical touch may really freak out your gestational carrier, so perhaps pick a different one if that’s your thing. The point is, how do you show someone you care? Mine is gifting. Nothing brings me more joy than thoughtfully putting together a small gift that would bring a smile to someone’s face. It’s my way of saying “hey, you’re awesome!” when words fail me.
Since our Wondrous Wombmate is doing all things that suck right now in the world of medications and preparing for an embryo transfer, I put together this Care Package for her!
- The Kangaroos Pouch to help explain surrogacy to her children.
- A canvas pouch for her on-the-go meds (coming soon to my Etsy shop).
- Bath bomb shots from Bartender Soap Company– you know, because she’ll be taking shots so here’s some more relaxing ones!
- Pineapple Bandages
- Baby Mama movie, a must.
- Words of Faith coloring book…because Jesus.
- A prickly Cactus hanging makeup bag to store all of her medications and supplies.
- Neutrogena Sesame Body Oil to help remove those super sticky estrogen patches.
- Pineapple nic-nacs. Why not?
*some of these are affiliate links*
Chris-
Just to add my two male cents, there are some things that get overlooked regarding dudeness in this process. For example, when we go for the upcoming transfer, our Wondrous Wombmate’s husband will be there. It is a bit awkward that we will both be in the room when they transfer our (Candace and my) bun into his wife’s oven. Of course, he (let’s call him Mr. Wondrous) is totally cool about all of this and has been a great support to his significant other. Still a bit weird for all of us, but that’s surrogacy.
Then there is that sense of focus on the female half of the equation. So, taking that fact and then removing the male influence one step more as a result of surrogacy, it can definitely feel like our Mr. Wondrous is really on the outside. It sucks not being noticed during some of our appointments but it is even more difficult for him because he is one step further removed but the closest arm of support to her. He takes it in stride though. So, next time you are on the street, find a Mr. Wondrous (it may take a minute) and give him a hug!
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