I have a lump in my throat that I can’t get rid of. Sometimes, you learn of someone else’s struggle and suddenly feel idiotic for complaining about the battles you face. I felt that way after reading Shannon’s story who, along with her husband, had to say goodbye all-too-soon to their son, Jackson. As she tells her story, I wondered how Shannon finds the strength to keep moving forward. She truly embodies the idea that, no matter how long you have with your child, your bond is indelible and precious.
Shannon’s Story:
My husband and I got married 8/25/12. My husband being adopted, we were so ready to start our family. And in October we were! My appointments went great and then came the big appointment, the sex of the baby. My husband and my mom by my side. The nurse looked at our bundle of joy and suddenly left the room. Soon two women came into the room and said I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat. I remember crying uncontrollably, which felt like a lifetime. Sometime later our doctor came in … he said the baby got wrapped around his cord and that it was not my fault but of course I find that I blame myself. The doctor said he measured at 15 weeks and I was 18 weeks and we have to deliver right then. Our first child and I have to deliver our baby that we can’t take home with us?? My sadness turned into anger, to this day I regret the way I acted. Soon we brought our baby into this world.
The all-time hardest decision that I’ve ever had was …”would you like to see him?” At first I’m asking myself … would this really help or just make the pain worse? Then I’m asking myself will I regret not seeing him?? So we chose to. This tiny baby, with his tiny legs crossed, looked so peaceful. He had tiny toes and finger nails and the sweetest face. I’m so glad we seen him. After I healed as time passed we got pregnant again, and that dreaded exam room we hear yet again that all time worse statement. ” I’m sorry but there is no heartbeat”.. I’ve had health problems for years … lupus and epilepsy but my doctors always told me they have patients that have got pregnant and the baby came healthy. So I didn’t lose all my faith.
February 14, 2014 I’m pulling into our local Walmart, the next thing I remember I’m in pain, my air bags out, my car crushed and a wall in front of me. I had a seizure and ran head straight into the wall. I had internal bleeding, fractured ribs and lacerated my spleen and liver. After time in the hospital I was released but not long after re admitted. They diagnosed me with adrenal deficiency due to the blunt trama from my accident. I asked would I be able to still have kids she said the chances are slim and since the adrenal gland releases most of your hormones the chances of the baby living is 0%.. December 2014 I had my period as normal.. but a night that my husband was out of state for work I woke up at 3am to the worst pain, thinking this is just menstrual cramps, time went on and still the pain. I remember looking on the Internet ways to help cramps, I tried everything!
About 5am they eased and I fell asleep in exhaustion. I went to the doctor the next day, they did a urine test and I was pregnant. Unable to pass I went to the hospital to have an emergency dnc…. more sadness. I try so hard to hide my pain, there are days I randomly break down in tears. I hate hearing people tell me “in time you’ll feel better and god has a plan for you” you do not tell a women who has gone through this that in time the pain will go away! I have such a bond with our baby, it’s such an amazing thing. How can you love someone so much. I find myself thinking how I am somewhat relieved that I didn’t feel him moving around inside my tummy, only because that bond would be that much stronger and the pain so much worse!
Our story,
Shannon and Calvin Edwards
Our baby with angel wings
Jackson Gene Edwards
2/7/13
