I find myself in unknown, yet familiar territory again. This post has the utmost potential of pissing off a few people. Which happens from time to time. We all have opinions and feels that are complex and squishy right? But for the other few who are in my boat, go ahead and sit down with me and share the oar.
No matter how bitter I was about my infertility, I always rooted for those who had struggled to become parents. Now, for the fertile women out there who have a uterus like a clown car, that spout out kids at the sight of a ding dong… wrapped in Teflon, while on the pill, with 10 IUDs crammed in your lady bits, sorry I am sure you will not be offended by my lack of excitement for your fertility, but I am going to root for the underdog here.
Since we are speaking of underdogs, in my book I include those who have secondary infertility. GASP! Hold on, don’t they ALREADY have a child? And here, some of you reading this are still trying for number one. I know what you may be thinking, you just want at least one bite of the parenting apple.
JUST ONE tiny bite. Hell, let me just smell the apple, you are thinking.
Yeah, I have heard those comments and many others. But hear me out, secondary infertility is kind of the awkward stepchild of infertility diagnosis, the misfits of the #IF community. They get absolutely no love from those who are trying to conceive their first child but then they get the same dumbass comments from family and friends about when baby #2 is coming. When they can’t explain why…
Here’s a possible list to consider:
- Broken parts from the previous pregnancy
- Perhaps they are suffering from the most frustrating form of Infertility – Unexplained
- Maybe they remarried and the spouse has fertility problems
- Diagnosed or are going through Cancer treatment
- Parents who have adopted a child or have a child through surrogacy {cough} (me) who cannot conceive
My secondary friends are the round peg in the square hole. They don’t quite fit in with those who are at the beginning of their journeys and well, they don’t quite fit in with the “regular moms club” either. They still need to be supported, understood, and considered before comments and judgements are doled out like bad Trump hair jokes on late night television.
Having tasted the sweet addicting taste of motherhood, I want another hit.
And now, I truly understand my #IF sisters who suffer with secondary infertility. I want to add to our family like how I would have if I didn’t have jacked up ladybits. I want the natural ability to have control over my family planning. At least I want to have the ability to make a decision whether I want to be a one-child family or not. But I don’t. The pain is different from before Jellybean came along, but I can tell you it is sharp none the less. I am expected to be happy for pregnancy announcements because I now have a child. There is an expectation that insensitive comments do not hurt anymore since I am now a mom. That having a daughter, regardless of how we did, erases the empty feeling of never seeing that elusive BFP, not being able to carry her in my womb.
I am expected to ignore my infertility.
For those that walk away from this post a little salty, I am sorry. The fact of the matter is I simply cannot accept it as being the end of our story. So for my secondary IF sisters out there, I see you, I understand you, and I am rooting for you. As for Chris and I well, this is not the end of our infertility chronicals but a new chapter we may begin to open. We are not sure what the next steps will be, and we are not sure how we will make it happen, but for those who have followed our story long enough, you know that we will definitely not be sitting on the sidelines of life and waiting to see what comes our way. There are many paths to take and we are at the cross-roads so well described by many poetic, literary savants. Regardless of the path, we will share our struggles and joys along the way.
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Thank you so much for mentioning secondary infertility! It really is the step child of the infertility issues that no one feels comfortable talking about. I fall into category #1 of the issues you mentioned above and I feel like no one really understands my sadness over the issues. Everyone just assumes because I have a child that first off, I can have more and then also I should be happy with what I have and if I can’t have anymore, oh well at least I have one! And then I feel guilty for having disappoint and don’t feel like I can mention it to anyone because I have other friends struggling to have their first child, they don’t want to hear someone who is already a parent complain! It’s comforting to hear it mentioned by others and feel like my emotions are valid and understood by others!
Oh the #1 category. I am sorry Stacy. You are not alone. There are many many women who suffer from secondary and sit quietly in their silence. That shouldn’t be the case. We need to talk about it more!
Well said. There are too many comparisons in the IF community as far as I’m concerned. Who has it the worst? The best? It doesn’t matter. All pain and desires are valid.
Thank you Jen! Yes, there are WAY too many comparisons. We all our bound by the common thread of infertility shouldn’t that be enough reason to support each other?
I started reading your blog a few months before you officially posted your surrogate was pregnant with your daughter. I saw you on MTV’s True Life and was moved by your story. Right when you were posting that your surrogate was carrying, my husband and I found out we would never be able to carry. I still kept reading your blog because it gave me hope. While I have appreciated and enjoyed how your blog has become bigger than you and your husband, and you have allowed other bloggers to post in honor of infertility awareness month, over the last year I have missed hearing your thoughts and your voice. You have gone above and beyond to make this blog a place for those struggling, but it’s still *your* blog. It was a place for you to share your story and I don’t think just because you have a daughter you shouldn’t be able to write about what you are feeling and what you are experiencing. I don’t believe that when my husband and I have a baby all of our issues from infertility are going to go away. We don’t have a baby yet and sometimes I think about what will happen after. We never planned to have an only child, but this journey has been so emotionally exhausting that I worry we won’t be up for it. There’s a lot to say about secondary infertility. I hope you attack it with the same honesty you did with your infertility. 🙂 Blog on.
Thank you so much for this comment and for continuing to read our ramblings! I think for a while we lost our blog voice. But slowly it is resurfacing again. #IF never leaves you though, and sadistically I am a little ok with that…sometimes. What I mean is, some #IF moms, after they have their child, will lock, chain and cement the door shut like it is a dirty secret. They forget about their journey “move on” if you will. (I could go on a 10 hour rant on this topic). We must continue the conversation. I stopped by your blog as well and wish you all of the luck in our adoption process. You are right, you master the art of waiting. It does end though (the waiting). In a week or so I will be asking adoptive parents to paste their profiles on our FB page. you should post yours!
I definitely will. Thank you! I don’t know if my earlier comment clearly communicated how much I appreciate your blog and how great I think it is. I hope you know how much of an awesome thing you’re doing. Take care!
Katie, thank you so much it means a lot and helps encourage us to keep on blogging!
Yes, I totally agree with what you and Jen Noonan said in the comments above. Pain is pain, and the comparisons need to stop. There’s no point in trying to figure out who suffers more. Better to focus our energies on encouraging each other and advocating for change instead of who is the better martyr. Great piece!
I so needed to read this today. I sadly fall in to the unexplained infertility category. We have spent the last 2.5 yes waiting to see another doctor or sit see what happens.
I’ve heard all number of comments about how I already have an amazing son, that I should just be grateful for him. Or how it must not be I’m gods plan for me.
Or how it’s weird because we had no troubles conceiving our son.
We are yet again waiting. Waiting to see if we can go ahead and try an IUI.
Thank you for this post, and thank your for rooting for all of us underdogs. I’m rooting for you too.
I have been doing a lot of work on fear through a class I’m taking at my church. What I realize is that fear creates jealousy and in turn can create anger. So it’s easy for those who are unsuccessfully trying to conceive to be jealous and angry of those who have been successful. Thing is, it doesn’t have positive outcomes both physically and emotionally. At the end of the day, people are only hurting themselves. I find it truly unnerving that those within the infertility community verbally attack those with secondary, or those who didn’t have to endure very much (however that is measured). Do those in the cancer community attack others for having earlier stage cancers? Empathy = putting yourself in another’s shoes. It’s challenging, but later on you’ll thank yourself for it.
Thank you so much for this post, Candace. After our first 3 miscarriages and one failed IUI, we were “lucky” enough to conceive our daughter through our first round of IVF. She is five now, and financially we have been unable to pursue another round of IVF yet, but hope to soon. Although I know that conceiving (let alone carrying a pregnancy past 7 weeks) naturally would take more than a miracle, I still get disappointed every month. I’ve had at least one more miscarriage since she was born, with another suspected.
I always knew that I wanted at least 2 kids. My heart breaks for those who are unable to conceive or carry even one child, but it doesn’t lessen the scars and open wounds that IF has left on my heart. At times, I feel selfish. Guilty. Ungrateful for what we have. No matter how much we love our daughter and appreciate the “miracle of science” that she is, I know that I will always feel that that empty space – room for (and a soul-deep longing for!) more.
One thing that I think people don’t touch on much is the feeling of obligation to provide a sibling. I see her playing alone in her room and it breaks my heart. She asks when I will have a baby in my tummy, and I burst into tears. I feel not only my longing, but hers as well. I feel simply incomplete and inadequate.
I think I (and most IF survivors, no matter what category) will always struggle to overcome the “brokenness” of IF, even if we are able to get pregnant again. BUT like you have said in previous posts, I am thankful for the opportunities that my scars and wounds have provided for me to connect on a deeper level with other IF sisters. I am thankful for the ability I now have to appreciate the existence of my daughter.
What a strange boat we’re in, but no matter the size or type of our boat, we’re all on the same journey.
Thank you again for your willingness to share your soul, your joy, your struggles and your journey with us. I find great encouragement, commiseration, and strength in reading your blog. Thank you, thank you, thank you.
Heather, that was one of the most beautifully written comments. Thank you on behalf of everyone who has suffered or is suffering with secondary.
Your reply is so spot on! I think my biggest struggle is something that can be felt either primary or secondary it’s that brokenss. We are probably pretty complete as a family and I feel robbed in a way that I don’t get to decide but rather my body did.
I also feel guilty for feeling bad about infertility when I have children. I remember watching my toddler play with stuffed animals and pretend they were his siblings and him asking why he was one of the only kids in his class with none. It’s such a tough spot to be in
We were blessed when he was 6 and I still remember telling him he was going to be a brother and he instantly started crying. Infertility affects everyone in the family
Nice post. Thanks for sharing
I stumbled on your website when looking up info for my hysterectomy next month (thanks for the tips, btw!). This post brought me to tears, though. My daughter was 10 lbs at birth, and I had a horrible delivery. She was perfectly healthy, but I tore twice and hemorrhaged to the point they had to do two blood transfusions. The trauma on my cervix has led to cervical endometriosis, which is rare and requires a hysterectomy. But I still get the “Well, at least you have a healthy baby” comments, plus the “So will you adopt/use a surrogate/find a way to have another” questions. So thank you for posting about this. I finally feel like someone understands the emotions I’m going through. I can’t thank you enough. And thank you for sharing your life with so many of us!
The guilt that’s forced on you with the comments….isn’t he (our son) enough? I’ve had so many questioning and intrusive discussions with family members and close friends about why i am putting my body through all these drugs JUST to have another child. And you know, I actually feel almost ashamed of my struggle, like I have to keep quiet about it. Thanks for writing this. Thanks for giving it a voice. Wishing your family days of love and happiness xx
Debbie, secondary IF is beyond valid. Definitely keep discussing it so the shame can be whittled away!
Thanks for sharing your heart. I am almost 18 months into trying for baby #2 after conceiving my son 1st try. It’s a weird and hard journey to walk. I am a photographer and have a blog for that, so I have used that as an outlet for my blogging my journey. Month 2 of clomid and praying it works this time. Not sure what our next steps will be after this, but praying through the decision and where to go from here if I’m not pregnant next week. Thanks for being open and sharing y’all’s story!