The final and last guest post in the Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness series, is from Angie from Angie’s Journey. Although seperated by many states, and we have yet to meet in person, I have been blessed to meet such an inspirational lady. Angie and I met out of complete chance by crossing paths in an IVF support group online. A fellow blogger, she is ALWAYS lifting us up as well as fighting this battle side by side with us. Not only have her and her husband Casey had to fight infertilty and have to ride the IVF roller coaster, but they fought that battle only to lose their baby too soon. Allow me to introduce Angie and Casey.
I was so happy being pregnant with Orville. I haven’t been that happy in a long time. Infertility really takes a lot out of a person, and it took a lot out of me, I was back to my old self being pregnant. Everyone thinks I’m so strong, but believe me, I have a lot of “moments,” I had a lot of them prior to getting pregnant, I had some at the beginning of the pregnancy and I have had a lot of them since we found out Orville was no longer living.
So, I’ll start with “what happened.” We had an ultrasound on Monday April 30 to see our little Orville, it was the first time we saw limbs, this was so exciting!! I was 9w4d and baby measured around 8w5d, 6 days off. It can be very common for the baby to measure up to a week or so plus/minus the due date, because they are all estimates. In hindsight now, it bothers me that my OB did not bring me back in for a scan the following week or two because we KNEW when everything happened (ovulation), unlike many non-infertility based pregnancies. But, I know that wouldn’t have prevented anything. I don’t honestly know if it would have helped me mentally or not.
Approximately 2 weeks later on Tuesday May 15 (11w5d), we heard the heartbeat for the first time. It was the most wonderful feeling hearing Orville’s heart, so much different than just seeing, made it so much more real. It was beating strong at 144 BPM. That night, we used our home Doppler for the first time and after lots of playing around with it, we heard the little heartbeat for a few seconds.
Fast forward 6 days later. On Monday May 21 (12w4d), I had my
NT scan. My appointment was for 4 pm & after the appointment we were going to go maternity clothes shopping because my clothes were getting way too snug! Anyways, I filled out some paperwork & had to get my finger pricked (Oww!) as part of the screening. I even told the lady how we were going to do a 3D ultrasound on June 16 for a gender scan and then find out the gender at our gender reveal party on June 18. Anyways, a few minutes more waiting and we get called back to an ultrasound room. It was cool, they even had a big screen up on the wall to watch the ultrasound, I was so excited to see the baby again!Now, it starts to turn a little bit into a blur, it’s hard for me to recall this moment again, but here I am doing it, so others can read my story, so Orville can share “his” story, and so again, my future children know what happened. I crawl up on the table to prepare to see Orville. She even starts asking me about this fancy 3D ultrasound I’ll be having in a few weeks and we decide if she can tell the gender to not tell us. She’s putting the gel on my tummy and we’re chatting, Casey’s watching the TV, waiting for Orville to show up. She puts the transducer on my stomach and starts the scan. She’s looking and looking, she’s zooming in and out. I know what a 12w ultrasound should look like, and I’m not seeing what I think I should be seeing. She starts saying, “oh no,” “oh no,” “oh hunny,” baby is not measuring what it should be. I could see this, all I was seeing was a still little blob 🙁 She tells me how Baby is only measuring 9w5d and isn’t moving like it should be. She’s looking for a heartbeat, nothing…nothing is there, no heartbeat. We’re so confused, we just heard the heartbeat 6 days ago! She’s trying, trying as hard as she can for me, but she cannot find the heartbeat. I’m instantly devastated. She calls the doctor in. He comes in, does the scan, searching and again finds nothing. I had that hope that maybe she was wrong and the doctor would find it, but nothing. Orville no longer had a heartbeat 🙁 We then made the very long, silent hour drive home. I lost my baby sometime within the last 6 days, but why? Why me? Why us? Why Orville? I’m in a lot of pain, I feel numb, I feel anger. I can’t even look down at my belly, I had to cover it up with a sweater on the way home. I feel so much sadness, more sadness than I’ve ever experienced. I love this baby so much, I never got to hold it, it was barely bigger than an inch long, but I love it so much. After everything we’ve gone through, all the pain and heartache, why is this happening to us? I didn’t want to talk to anybody, thankfully people respected that.
I have THE BEST husband in the entire world. I didn’t want to talk to anyone. I couldn’t physically do it at this point. So, being the brave one he is, he made the phone calls, the dreaded phone calls that I’m sure he didn’t want to make nor anyone wanted to hear, but they needed to be done. I cried, and cried, and cried pretty much on and off all evening. It was a very hard night for me. I kept thinking about the phone calls I had to make, cancel the gender ultrasound, cancel the gender reveal party, call Buffalo IVF. How 2012 was suddenly going to be so much different. In a matter of minutes, everything seemed to be turned upside down. I was so sad and angry when I got home, I put everything I had for Orville away in the nursery, and closed the door. I packed up the tripod and camera that we’d been using for belly pictures. I put the What to Expect books, journal and baby book away. It’s too hard to see it right now. I woke up crying during the night, asking God why? I just don’t get it.
I called the Doctor’s office first thing in the morning, and got my D&C scheduled for the following morning (Wednesday) at 7:30 am. So I pretty much hung out, watched TV, and cried most of the day. We received our first bouquet of flowers which made me cry, but they are so beautiful. I saw an Orville’s commercial and broke down. This is going to be hard. I heard a song that made me cry. Anything and everything is reminding me of Orville . The Orville who is still in my tummy, but no longer living, and nothing I can do to bring “him” back! Throughout the pregnancy, I have been on Facebook groups for expectant Mom’s, they were all of course so supportive and recommended some loss groups to me. I’m now a member of a couple different loss groups and an IVF group, it truly is amazing how much support is out there. I reached out to some of my Buffalo IVF friends, and they have been great. I’ve been able to text a little bit more but still haven’t made a phone call. So it was a long day, I couldn’t believe the news I had just received yesterday, I didn’t have one sign that Orville was no longer living, my body did not know that my baby was gone, I am still in complete shock. I started a memory box for Orville, I need this keepsake for “him.” It will be nice to look in the box. I plan to get the belly pictures developed and put in there as well. “He” was the biggest part of our lives since we got our BFP (Big Fat Positive) 2 months prior and I will always have the stuff to look at, and hopefully make me smile. I went to bed, and surprisingly passed out and slept almost all night (which I never do, I don’t think I’ve ever slept through the night in my whole life!)
I was surprisingly okay when we got up the following morning. I needed the day before, it really helped me a lot. The nurse I had at the hospital was the sweetest thing in the world, that really helped! It was hard when she started asking us questions for the fetal death certificate (I didn’t even know there was such a thing so early). She never asked a name though 🙁 When I was being wheeled back to the prep room, it started getting more real. It got harder and harder the closer it got to surgery. I cannot believe this is actually happening, they are physically removing Orville from my womb. I woke up from surgery crying, I physically felt fine, I was emotionally so sad knowing that Orville was officially gone. I hoped there was enough tissue for the testing, but unfortunately there was not. I was released from the hospital just after 9 am. I’m thankful the surgery went as well as it was expected. Emotionally was another story, I was now going home with a “pregnant” belly, an empty heart and no baby 🙁 It’s really hard for me having this belly and knowing Orville is no longer in there. I just hung out most of the day, caught up on some shows, didn’t do a whole lot. I was supposed to take it easy today from the surgery. I physically had felt fine the whole day, which I was very thankful for. We received more flower bouquets which are beautiful, a very heart touching card, and many texts and messages asking me how I’m doing, and checking in on me. I started texting with more people today, I still haven’t talked to anyone, I will take each day at a time. There’s nothing easy to say or hear in this situation, the wound is very fresh and this was working for me…one step at a time, one day at a time…
So here I am writing this post so I can share my experience with the world. Orville no longer had a heartbeat, and I was/am crushed. We will however move forward., not on, but forward. Everything happens for a reason right? Orville was simply too beautiful for this world and is loved so much in Heaven and we will never forget our Orville. Here’s one little thought. Orville only did about 1 weeks worth of growing in 3 weeks time. I think that “his” growing was slowing more and more everyday. I do believe that Orville was holding on as long as possible so I could hear “his” heartbeat. I always talked about wanting so badly to hear it and when we did, it was amazing! It was breathtaking, it was the most beautiful thing. I think Orville was holding on for us. I believe “he” loved us and was showing us that by allowing us to hear “his” heartbeat before he passed, I will be forever grateful for being able to hear that strong, beating heart <3 “An Angel in the book of life wrote down my baby’s birth. And whispered as she closed the book ‘too beautiful for earth.'”
I’d like to end on a positive note. We decided to go for our next IVF in August, 2012. We had a great cycle and found out we were pregnant on September 10, 2012. I have been so happy since finding out that I am carrying our rainbow baby. I am due May 17. I had an ultrasound this morning showing that baby was looking great, and growing right on schedule!! The heartbeat was beating away in the 170’s and I even got to hear that most beautiful sound of the heart beating. I am staying so positive! I have such a good feeling that this wil be our take home baby <3.
Hey Guys. Wow. Thats all I can say. Those were three of the most powerful and moving stories I have heard. I cried my way through them. Isnt is amazing (not always in that good way of amazing) that once you are in a select group of people; whether it be IF, or baby loss, or miscarriage, you hear these stories over and over. It gets harder and harder to believe that babies are made easily, are carried without incident to full term, and then are delivered easily and brought home. It was for me at least. After we lost Jack, in the following months, a co worker of my husbands went for the gender scan and had no heartbeat…a new boss at my office had lost one baby at 30 weeks still born and another at 18, and yet another at 18 weeks again. It felt like it was all around me. I felt blessed to hear their stories and not feel so alone.
A wonderful Dr at the NICU we were in with Jack told us that our grief would be like waves in the ocean. Youd just be standing there having a perfectly fine day, and out of no where a ‘grief wave’ would come along and knock you on your ass. It was so true. Sometimes the waves were little and you could take a couple breaths and keep going. Other times it would LITERALLY feel like the Earth under my feet was moving and Id be lost in tears or sobs or both. That same Dr told us, that our grief would ‘change’, but it would never go away. He was so right. We are 2 years and 8 months out, and it has changed and leveled off, but every now and then a wave will come and knock the wind from you. We talk about Jack all the time. He was a PERSON. He wasnt here long, but he was HERE. That took me a while to adjust to. I felt like it wasnt real. Was I still a mom even though my son died? So many questions I had to answer myself and over time.
The guest writers on your blog are so courageous to share their stories. They are all different from one another but we all walk the same path. There is a great ‘poem’ that I read ALL The time. If you google ‘my shoes grief poem’ it will come up. I think of it everytime someone gives me a look of sympathy when they hear our story.
Once youre in our select little club, you cant get out. Even if you go on to have 10 more children, or no other children, these things stick with you. Struggling with IF leaves the same black mark on our hearts. It never goes away no matter what the outcome of the many many treatments you endure. I STILL (inwardly) roll my eyes when someone announces theyre pregnant at 6 weeks, or starts rattling off ‘facts’ like once you hit the 2nd trimester you are IN THE CLEAR…once you hear the HB your rate of miscarriage goes down 90%…is that so? hmmmmm…allow me to direct you to some blogs/support networks/boards that may want to share other stories. Its too hard once we ‘know better’ to be so naive anymore. I miss being naive. I am still HOPEFUL…but Im not naive anymore.
Well, this turned into QUITE the novel. If you made it through this–thank you!!! I just wanted to thank your three guest bloggers for sharing their stories, and let them know I will add them to my thoughts and prayers.
XOXO
Lynn
Lynn- Although Chris and I have not felt the loss you and many others have, we felt compelled to do this series. It is a part of infertility that is tucked away in a dark place and not talked about. The 3 guest bloggers are all people dear to us and have supported Chris and I through our trails and whom we have tried to lift through theirs. Lynn, you really have a talent for putting your thoughts to paper because so many things you mentioned in your comment reign true. It is a lifetime membership club, of IF. Your story about Jack is heart breaking as well and you my love are amazingly courageous yourself for sharing. I hope that others see this comment you posted and can find peace they are not in this alone. xoxo Candace