One thing is for sure, I know very little about pregnancy. For the most part it kind of makes sense, Chris and I spent many years and all of our spare Google and reading hours researching on all things fertility. When you spend all of your time trying to get pregnant the actual process of pregnancy seems so far out of reach. It is similar to enrolling in college courses; there are pre-requisite classes you must take first. You cannot take the core classes till you have taken the preparatory classes. Here is our course load:
Our wonder surro is very open with us, a bit of a free spirit if you will. Since this is her 4thpregnancy she is well tuned into what to expect while being pregnant. Not much can make her blush or I guess is a surprise to her. Since my uterus is missing like Jimmy Hoffa, being pregnant is not something I can fully understand. So Chris and I will read and do our research on what to expect but it is hardly relate-able. It can also be emotionally painful at times as I have unfortunately discovered. I find myself reading the pregnancy app on my phone, but I have to scroll through all of the actual changes for a pregnant mother and go direct to the growth and progress information for our baby, stalking what fruit or veggie we are at this week. (Cucumber BTW).
Although I cannot and will never experience a pregnancy biologically, our surro has been great at giving us a glimpse into that world by sending us weekly bump pictures, letting me know along the way if there are any new milestones gestationally speaking. She also tells us the other side of what she is experiencing. I call it the “tri-fecta.” Our wonder surro at one time has had the triple combo of heartburn, hemorrhoids and fire crotch, AKA a yeast infection. Apparently, these are normal unwanted events that occur in pregnancy. I mean let’s be real here. It is not her baby, so the drive to go through these very uncomfortable body and lifestyle changes has to be not only difficult physically, but mentally challenging as well. It takes someone with a very altruistic nature to carry a baby for another couple, to endure these changes for 9 months. If it was her child then it would make those hemorrhoids seem like lumps of love. On top of all of this she has new, worrisome, unpregnant-pregnant intended parents like us. I worry if the herbal tea she is drinking has low levels of caffeine. I worry if the medication she was given will be ok for our little Jellybean. I worry, worry and worry some more. Thankfully, our wonder surro does not get too annoyed, at least I don’t think she does, when we ask her basic questions to help ease our concerns. It is all about communication. Since this is a team effort TMI is off the table.
The tri-fecta was in full effect when our wonder surro had our latest ultrasound. Chris left early and I stayed at the clinic to make sure all was taken care of and to tie up any loose ends. Feeling remnants of her fire crotch (yeast infection) she went on a hunt to look for her OB. So here is when everything got weird (as if there were not enough slightly awkward possible scenarios already in surrogacy). I stood in the hallway of the reception desk, certainly out of place, holding jackets and purses waiting for her to come back. About 15 minutes later, our wonder surro came bounding back with a new pep in her step. Now, I have said before that the surro-isms she says are book worthy, well the first thing she tells me with a large smile on her face is “My cuca is purple!” My jaw dropped and all I could say was “What?” Our wonder-surro went on to describe that her OB stated that for the next few days it would look like her and Barney, yes the big loveable yet creepy dinosaur, had a romp in the hay. My surrogate had a purple vag. First thought. Will our baby come out of the womb resembling Violet Beauregarde from Willy Wonka and the Chocolate Factory? This time the color is from a medication called Gingin Violet or Gentian Violet.
I will say that I learned something that day, apparently lady bits come in all colors. Our wonder-surro said it was like a free vajazzle. Since I live under a rock I had no clue what that meant, so what did I do? Googled. Don’t. I will save you from that image being burned into the back of your eyelids. Basically, it is like the beadazzle for your lady bits. Personally, I do not intend on beadazzling or vajazzling anything of mine. In the words of a dear friend, it is much like “putting lipstick on a pig.” You can rhinestone and glitter your bits all you want but there is not much that can be done to make it look any less like a lady bit. Just had a thought, can you imagine what your OB or RE’s reaction would be if you went to an appointment with a vajazzle?
Fire crotch problem evaded and I am fairly certain I will never look at Barney the big purple dinosaur the same. Just another day at the corporate headquarters of Our Misconception.
image- parentscountry.com
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