It has been over 9 months since our last failed pregnancy test. Now, you certainly don’t have to be a mathematician to figure out the timeline here. I really try, oh Lord I try not to think about what I would be doing had things worked out differently. It is hard pushing down that looming “what if” monster. Simply put, those feelings sometimes just puke back up whether I like it or not. I think that is the vicious cycle of infertility. See scholarly graph below…
Masochistic, most definitely. One thing is for sure, that torture will all be a blur one day. Odd as it may sound I never want to forget our woes and our pain, those are my marks and I will wear them with pride not shame. I guess that’s what keeps us going. If you think about it, the decisions you make and the heartbreak you experience help define, mold and refine who you are. You can call those scars ugly, or you can view them as something else. I have a scar above my upper lip. Had it since I was a small child. Vainly, I hated it. But Chris always says he loves it. Weirdo I know, or maybe just trying to increase his chances for the evening. In any case, it was given to me by a childhood friend after rough-housing, maybe running too fast in the house or just being kids either way it will always be there. He passed away a few years ago from Cystic Fibrosis and a myriad of other complications. That scar has a bit of a different meaning now. That is a physical scar, but it bears a memory. Some scars are mental. Point I am getting at is these scars, physical/mental bruises, are not in vain. If you are reading this and you have suffered IF or some kind of heartache in your life, you also may have some “bruises.” It is so easy sometimes to sweat the little stuff in life. I guess this is what has changed in me. I, more so, WE don’t sweat about the little things anymore. Grudges are petty. The person who cut you off in the parking lot and stole your spot, well yeah it pisses me off but not like it used to. I no longer want to re-enact the Towanda! scene from “Fried Green Tomatoes.”
I will be getting a hysterectomy. I will not carry my own child. I may develop full blown cancer. My uterus is something that defies science. Etc etc etc etc etc … It is certain that I know without a shadow of a doubt that when that day comes and I hold our baby, whether through our surrogate or through adoption, EVERY.SINGLE.TEAR will be worth it. Just ask a veteran IF’er. They’ll tell you, me, and everyone else that the life they lived with infertility and loss, although a nightmare was all worth it. And that folks, is the hope that helps us press on and live our life after a negative.
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Pretty much summed it up for all IFers. Loss, negative, loss, negative, negative, etc.
Sucks right? But that cycle has to end at some point!
I’m waiting to hear whether we’re going to be approved for ICSI. We’ll be given one shot, if so.
It’s so, so hard. And I’m sorry you (and so many of us) are going through this. But yes, if we ever get our miracles, they will be so much the sweeter for being MUCH harder won.
One shot. Damn, no pressure or anything. We did ICSI for every cycle best give our guys the best chances, I say. It is hard, it is a hard reality to live in. I agree with you that we will have one sweet miracle at the end of all of this.
I pray for the day I have your perspective.
Sarah, don’t get me wrong, I have some real raging pity parties. There are good days and there are bad days. You have a choice though, you can get kicked and stay down and get kicked some more or you can get up and get kicked while fighting. Hope is the glue that keeps us all from falling apart so hang on to that hope.
100% THIS. Except that sometimes I feel the need to make those scars more real. Sure I have some incision scars but they are kind of generic and accumulating so quickly I often can’t tell which scar was from which surgery. Which is why I contemplate some physical representation of it all. I have a ring with two gems for my zombabies, but I still think about getting a tattoo to commemorate them all.
I broke out a tankini for the first time. My stomach looks like NOM, I am assuming yours in the same boat. I LOVE LOVE LOVE that idea! Well, back up… your ring idea has so much thought and sentiment behind it. Fox you are a soulful person, I really dig that. As for the Tat, what design are you thinking?
I am a happy adoptive mom and I can say every tear was worth it! Don’t get me wrong the dreaded infertility monster still comes back to haunt me every time someone tells me their pregnant. But it gets better as soon as I look at my beautiful little girl. It’s been a long tough road but I wouldn’t change it for anything. It’s made me who I am today.
Amanda your picture and story really keep us moving forward. Your wee’un is a little honey and yeah that pregnancy dart still hits deep sometimes but I can see very clearly that stories like yours give us hope.
all i want is to have a baby and give the man who holds my heart a child. i never thought i would suffer from infertility because all the women in my family have had multiple children. unfortunately, both me and my sister are unable to have children. we are both in our 30s and it is so frustrating. we are both still at the negative aspect and not yet seeing the positive. i hope someday we will. thank you for this though, it is inspiring.
WOW both you and your sister? Simular diagnosis or different? It took a LOOOONG time to see the positive in these things. Those dark times in your life help you seek out the light in things. Because what else are you gonna do… sit in the dark?Turn on the light I say, and know that all of this will be for a reason. It is to have the baby that was meant for you, whatever path you choose.
It is very difficult for a couple to cope up with its failed pregnancy, especially for a mother. Losing an unborn child gives life long shock unless she bears her baby again. By god’s grace, there is surrogacy and adoption methods which can make such couples’ life happy and graceful again.
Regards,
Kunik Goel
Kunic, thank you for your kind words and hopeful outlook on less common routes to becoming a parent.