Our Misconception- A blog on Infertility, Surrogacy and beyond

Misadventures through marriage surrogacy and parenting after infertility

It is not the “S” Word, it is a Party for Jellybean

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Does anyone recall the movie 27 Dresses with Katherine Heigl? For the past decade that has been me but instead of weddings it is with baby showers. I have thrown countless showers for so many of my friends. The majority of who started trying to build their families long after Chris and I. This is an important detail because at all of these said showers I have slunked off to an isolated bathroom or on the drive home and cried my little infertile heart out. I have admittedly gotten pretty sloppy drunk at a few as well, really I personally recommend it. It helps pass the time and takes the edge off. Just don’t drink and baby shower drive. For others, I have faked a terrible bout of IBS to get out of my showerly duties. (For those who are not regular readers, this is a typical “fall back excuse” I sometimes use to get out of uncomfortable IF situations). See previous post on how to survive said showers here. Since we have always been the spectator and never the spector, I also have friends who were standing in line for a bit of redemption. More on that later.

I did not know how I felt about having a “baby shower.”  I mean, isn’t it where you and all of your friends and family stand around and grope all over your stomach, violate your personal space and you complain about swollen ankles and heartburn? The thought of that makes my eye twitch and it is safe to say I will not be doing the string game where you guess the size of my belly.  I don’t have one. Since there is a bitter infertile deep down inside me I was not sure how I would take having a shower.

Do I deserve one since I feel like I am just the coach, not the player?
Who do I ask to come?
Should our wonder surro come?
Do I invite my fellow IFers?

SO. MANY.QUESTIONS and lots to ponder…  There is no right answer I found, you will feel infertile guilt. I have friends, comrades, fellow couples with waiting arms for a baby that are still waiting. Some waiting much longer than Chris and I. How dare I gloat when I know all too well the pain it can bring others?  It is our turn, and there are still those left in the trenches fighting the fight.  So for those reading, I am sorry. I have been in your shoes and partly I still am.  I can say HOPE, keep it in your heart the moment that it stops beating is when you give up. Don’t.  I will also warn you that the rest of this post will be of our “Party for Jellybean” so go ahead and stop reading now if you need to. It is O.K, there is no judgment here.  I have been where you are, self-preservation is a brave step.

All of these emotions and thoughts were floating around in my head.  I feel funny calling it a baby shower.  To me it actually lessens the true impact of what it was for us. It was a party for Jellybean, a celebration of determination and preparation for someone who is loved already by so many. Chris said this to me right before we walked in hand in hand, “Candace I prayed on the way to the party. I want to remember this overwhelming joy I am feeling for the future when life becomes hard and when things are not so great.” This was before we even stepped foot into the festivities.

He was right.


Here are a few pictures from our Milk and Cookies Party for Jellybean…

We pulled up to have personal parking signs equipped with flashing nights for that extra added ambiance. The “We makes it, she bakes it” is my personal favorite.

They even made a sign for our Wonder Surro. Or in this case our Super Surro.


That cheesy-goofysmile that you see there, well that never left our faces. I have a permanent grin even now from this day. 

A lot of folks drank a lot of Starbucks coffees to get those bottles. The favors were make and bake cookie mixes. 


The party was jumpin’ and the food was fantastic! #Thetwistedsisters. Everything was decorated so beautifully. #Wafflesandcrew


And there were cookies, every where…

 In the main hall was a onesie making station, bow making station, a unique guestbook signing area. Basically anything you can think of that is considered creative and cute for a party of this purpose was included. OH and did I mention booze? Yep, I, or we are all in the 3rd trimester and I can drink! Fringe benefits of broken plumbing. I seriously could have main veined the “adults only” punch it was THAT good.

This is a demonstration of payback for many showers past. Our friends asked us a few questions separately prior to the party and then we had to guess what the other half would answer. For example, What kind of car is acceptable for Jellybean to drive? My answer a Sherman Tank. Chris got that one incorrect had to take a not so delicious bite of homemade baby food.

Yep that my friends  is a “Crib Dribbler” for those days when you just want to sleep in or better yet can’t find a baby sitter. Just set it and forget it… I kid I kid. It was a fake box that hosted more baby friendly gifts.

For so many years, I have detested baby showers with every ounce of my being. Now, after many years and a very dusty onesie, I had a chance to finally experience my own with Chris right next to me. That joy that Chris described overfilled us that day and still lasts in my heart. It wasn’t from the gifts, balloons and all things baby-ness, it was the fact that we have made it this far. We made it this far, one step closer and our friends and family were there to share this day with us. More so they, our surro and our everlasting hope made this day into a reality for us. Thank you everyone for our Jellybean Soiree, we will remember this moment always.

Now, for those who are still in back of the line of the baby line and decided to subject yourself to all of the ooohhhs and ahhhs of our party, know that we never knew when this day would happen. We are just like you and waited, prayed and cried those same tears. The will of a woman who wants a family is unbreakable. Trust your journey and trust your tears, for they will lead to tears of joy.

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Comments

  2. This is awesome! love it! I am so glad you got to celebrate! We had a shower when we brought our baby girl home. I had the same thoughts you did in the beginning. But I am glad I did finally have a shower and got to at least have some normal part of becoming a parent like everyone else.

  4. I was up late last night with “Mommy brain,” yes Candace you will have this! Up late thinking, worrying, and wondering too much about your child(ren) that you can’t fall asleep. Anyways I came across the MTV show with your story on it! I watched, cried, and cried more watching your story. I have never had to go through something like that. I have friends and family that have done IVF and adoption, but I never go to see up close the whole process. Watching your story made my heart ache, I had to Google you two today to see where things were at in your life! I was so happy and elated to find your blog and see that you (surrogate) are pregnant!!! This is wonderful news and I wish you Candace & Chris all the best as you venture into parenthood!! It is the best job!! Congratulations!!!

    • Amy, thank you for watching our show and finding our blog!! Infertility is so hard on couples, 1 in 8 couples to be exact, that have trouble conceiving. I am looking forward to “Mommy Brain” soon!

  5. You have a way of writing what has been on my mind. As we start an IVF cycle, I’m both excited at the possibility and terrified of the guilt of leaving others who are trying behind. I hope you know how happy your readers are for you and Chris!

    • Betsy I am glad you like reading our endless ramblings. WHOOOA Nelly! Good luck on your IVF cycle. This is a sisterhood, infertility that is. Once you enter in you cannot leave. The whole hotel California mentality. I think it is a natural progression, you help mentor and encourage the next graduating class of IF-ers and once they throw their caps in the air you hope the next class that proceeds them grows larger and larger. Keep us posted on your IVF! You can connect with us here or on our FB (Our Misconception) or Twitter (@rmisconception) I would love to hear how it goes!!!

  6. I’ve only been riding the IF-roller coaster officially for about year. But I’m late to the baby-train in most of my social circles, so I totally get your “27 Dresses” comparison feeling. This year I will likely have to be very involved in (if not the host for ) baby showers for two of the most important women in my life as my sister and my “best” friend are both expecting. It’s always a struggle to be celebrating something that is so confusing in my emotional world. It becomes this blend of happiness, jealousy, celebration, longing, joy, anger, excitement, and resentment that ultimately ends in tears. Balancing all of them while trying to maintain a genuine spirit of celebration for my loved ones is exhausting. I can’t imagine how difficult this year will be in that regard. My aim will be to constantly hopeful that I will one day be blessed and be able to have a party for my very own little person. What a good reminder! Thanks!

    • Kate wow. That is unbelievably exhausting. You will have your own party but I get it. OH I GET IT. It is hard to be happy when you are hurting for yourself and the longing for the joy they share. To have your sister and best friend both be expecting, well that is a double freakin’ whammy. Do they know about your struggle?

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