Chris- I bought something that hangs in my closet. It is nothing fancy or expensive, just a little newborn hat and booties set. It says “Dad’s Best Bud” on it. I don’t know exactly why I bought it. It was during our last transfer, maybe the week before or the week after. I couldn’t tell you. I think I bought it because I was so sure that this transfer would work. We did sooooooo much! We changed our diets, changed our habits, changed our lives to align ourselves with the best possibility of having a successful transfer. I would open my closet every day to get dressed, see the infant gear, and pray that this time, man THIS time, please let it work. Guess what… it didn’t. Today would be the day. Maybe not exactly today, but sometime around right now, or lives would change. Knowing me, it would have been a girl. I don’t care. She would have rocked that baby blue “Dad’s Best Bud” hat and booties anyway! Not gonna happen though at least not from that transfer.
It is crushing to sit on the couch, hear the phone call that the transfer did not work, and realize that, you did EVERYTHING you could think of to make this happen. Candace posted about the last “un-due” date a while back, but this one has an especially sobering ring to it in light of Candace’s developing medical situation. As many of you know, she had irregular cell growth that was detected in her uterine lining and her oncologist said it was precancerous. So, there is an incredibly high likelihood of her having her uterus taken out in the next couple of months. So, not only is this an “un-due” date, it is also most likely our last “un-due” date. Not only did this transfer not work, but we probably will never do a transfer again. So much for the miracle pregnancy or the oops when we are 41 and not interested in expanding the family any further. That’s it, no more chances. It’s depressing, but I fear not the worst repercussion of our previous failures and the emotions of today.
To say that Candace and I are losing hope of ever getting pregnant would be an understatement. We have a surrogate lined up for our final attempt to have a biological child after all! We have turned our back on Candace’s uterus but not before exhausting our chances. Even with all of our infertile history, I had invested so much into this latest transfer working, that now, I am not sure what true hope looks like. That is to say, I am afraid to hope. I am afraid that the next time I put my hand in the blender of life I almost expect the possibility that it will automatically be turned to puree and all I will able to pull out of there is the few, horribly disfigured tatters of my soul forever changed for the worst. I hate admitting that, but that is where I am and I think where Candace is as well. We have an incredible woman and an incredible family that has offered to put their entire lives on hold to carry a child for us and we are afraid to get excited because we are not sure if we will be able to dig out of the hole if it does not work.
In the end, we are lucky. Even with all of this, all of the failure, all of the disappointment, all of the terrible nights; Candace and I have each other. Through all of this we have grown closer, closer to God, and, without consulting with her, I would say that we are a force to be reckoned with. You cannot throw any bit of life at us that we cannot deal with and come out of the nuclear war of strife hand in hand. Come on World, take me up on the challenge… but, give us a baby first!
Candace- A synopsis of my day, my “Un-Due” date… First hurdle, get through work without kirking out on someone or making someone really uncomfortable when I start to uncontrollably cry at whatever song comes on the radio. Emotions are high too today. I will share that I have a “hidden” gift for Chris. You know, the big announcement gift you give you husband when you spring on the big double lined news. I had bought this when we started going through our IUIs. I actually dusted off (literally) said items the other day while rearranging some things in a mad cleaning frenzy. The real jab in the gut was when I looked at the date of the receipt, 2009…4 years ago. So yes, many “un-due” dates have since past us, but like Chris said this was our last chance. Go big or go home right? It really sucks when you go home, empty handed with egg on your face.
I ended my afternoon, at my OBGYN appointment. Now that I think about this, it just hit me that this journey has come full circle. You see, today I went to have genetic counseling to detect if I have the genetic makeup to house Lynch Syndrome. Basically, the test is to see if I have the genetic markers that are indicative of an increased chance for ovarian cancer, which is almost impossible to detect early on. (For more info on ovarian cancer, check out this site.) The reason this has come full circle is that this is where I started my fertility diagnosis and after 6 IUIs we were referred to a RE. It was at this place we were wide-eyed and hopeful and reached out for help. Today, I sit in the same testing chair I sat in 4 years ago, getting my blood drawn for something much different. I opened this door to start our fertility procedures and today I walked out of that same door knowing I will not be continuing. More so, I will not have the plumbing to do so in the foreseeable future. I am holding on though. I am holding on to “We were meant to be here.” That this path was laid before us for some reason. Was it to discover I would develop cancer? Maybe help other couples in this journey by sharing our story? I will never know, but what I do know is what the end result will be. We will have our family, we will continue to hope.
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My prayers are with both of you. It’s so so hard, and so so painful. Thank you for this blog.
Thank you for your prayers. We can definitely use them. Our hope is by sharing these things, these feelings and these events, others that read it will be able to relate and know they are not alone. Sometimes, it is nice to have a shoulder that has been down the same road as you.
This hurts my heart for you. Please know that you HAVE helped people by sharing your story. My husband and I only one of many I’m sure. I just know you will meet your baby soon, however it may happen. Sending love. @meli989
Thank you for reading our blog and sharing it with our husband. Although all of these IF issues are so difficult to deal with, it is that much more difficult if you don’t share everything; everything medical, everything financial, and everything emotional. There are so many facets of this that if either person takes any of them on alone, it will only become that much harder. Best of luck to you and your husband.
its so important Chris to share the man side of things. Being ‘the rock’ is very tough through the things IF puts you through. but since YOU physically aren’t the one getting the shots, taking the meds, and randomly peeing on things (well, I don’t know you IRL, so for that one, who knows? 🙂 its easy to forget that IF torments men too. The Husbands that long to be ‘Dad’. Thank you for always telling BOTH sides of IF, and reminding us that men hurt just as much when you get that BFN.
Love to you both,
Lynn
PS counting the minutes until I get to ‘meet’ you both via MTV tomorrow 🙂
Lynn, you have an uncanny ability to boil down our ramblings into a simple theme. We think it is uber-important to bring up the male perspective for topics that they are largely pushed aside for. Although the IF husbands don’t have the physical impacts of IF and its treatments, we still have all of the emotions. My best advice is to share it with your significant other and either celebrate your victories or console each other to rebuild and get back on the road to a family.
I just saw the True Life episode and it was perfect! So real to what infertility feels like especially for us couples where it is so hard or near impossible. Thanks for sharing your story…praying that the surrogate can help create your family.
Thank you “intunewithmyautoimmune.” It was really scary to share our story but we are glad it is out there. We are firm believers that by advocating and raising awareness about infertility issues people will be more open about it, options will increase, and the heartache of infertility will decrease. We are far along in our journey now, but we will not stop pounding our IF boots on the pavement until we have a family!
I just watched your “True Life” episode and I am sobbing. I feel for you two so much and I am so sorry. In 2008 my husband and I got pregnant on the FIRST try but miscarried 9 weeks later. After that we tried for two more years and could not conceive. I started Clomed without results. We were about to start IVF when I found out I had so many issues with my ovaries and uterus, a hystorectomy had to be done. That was in 2011. We are still not over it and I don’t know if we ever will be. We would like to adopt although it is quite expensive. We do feel alone at times and it’s nice to know people out here have been through similar experiences. I pray that everything works out for you two and I believe God has a reason for everything. I know someday we will have those babies in our arms and we will realize it was all worth it! God bless. Becky in MN
Hey Becky in MN, thank you for your comment. It sounds to me like you and your DH have been through a ton trying to build you family. It also seems like you really want a family. It is true, God has a reason for everything and I think the reason we were given the path we were is that he knew we would be able to strengthen others. We hope that you continue your path. Please please don’t stop! Based on your comment, you want this. Throw everything at it and know that, at the end, you will be giving a child a family. A mother, a father, a bright future with loving parents. Don’t ever stop, don’t ever think you can’t go that next step! God will be there to show you how to move forward. He had for us on more than one occasion.
Wow, thank you so much. It means so much to read those words from someone who really knows how difficult this is. I read it to my husband and he rarely shows emotion when it comes to this topic, but I could see the tears in his eyes! God bless you two. I will continue to pray so very hard fo you guys and follow your blog as well. Thank you! 🙂 Becky in MN
I just watched your MTV documentary today and cried right along with you. I know the pain you are feeling all to well. My husband and I went through the struggles with infertility for five years. We were blessed with our twins 6 months ago. I still consider myself an “infertility warrior” and I will NEVER forget everything we went through to get to where we are now. I applaud you bravery for putting it out there for everyone to see, I am sure there are lots if people who will be helped by seeding your story. I am so sorry to hear of Candace’s cancer risk. I will be lifting you up in prayer. Someday you will be blessed with a child and I am sure you will be wonderful parents. Stay strong and know you have a fellow warrior praying for you! -Jen in OH
Jen from OH,
Thank you so much for your comment and kind wishes! We were not sure how the broader IF community would react to our involvement on the MTV documentary and hoped that at the very least it would spread IF awareness. The response we have gotten in incredible and as from you, we have received a ton of positive feedback. That is fantastic that you and your husband now have two little ones after so many years of trying! We will keep on going until we also have a family and can’t wait to share that day with all of our ‘blog’ friends.
God bless,
C & C
I just watched your episode of True Life and my husband and I know your heartbreak all too well. We knew all along that we would not be able to conceive naturally due to a medical condition that I was born with so we would need to use a gestational carrier/surrogate to carry our biological child. My sister selflessly offered to be our gestational carrier and we were blessed with a beautiful, healthy miracle baby boy, Judah Devin 13 months ago. I am confident that you WILL get to hold your baby someday soon. Don’t lose faith! Please feel free to contact me in the future if you need any support/advice with moving forward with a gestational carrier. Best of luck! I’m praying for you!! Xoxo
Rachel in MA,
That is terrific and incredibly encouraging that you were able to start your family using a gestational carrier! And the fact that your sister volunteered to do so is even more amazing. I am not sure what kind of Christmas gift she got, but it must have been huge! Thank you for your support of us as we go down this much less common road for family building. If you have any tips or lessons that you learned along the way, we would love to hear them. Our anticipation grows each day, but so does our fear that this will not work. Any advice you could provide on how to get through the sleepless nights of worrying would be greatly appreciated.
God bless,
C & C
I don’t have MTV, so I couldn’t watch the episode, but I was following along via Twitter. Thank you for sharing your story and bringing more awareness to IF and emotional and physical toll it takes. I’m sorry to hear that you, Candace, will undergo a hysterectomy in the fall, but I’m hopeful for your surrogacy journey. My son was born via gestational surrogacy 4 years ago. It can and does work, and I wish you the best!
KeAnne,
We are always encouraged by success stories through surrogacy. It is the family building path that we have researched the least and any advice is always welcome. We do not know for sure what the fate of Candace’s hysterectomy future is but we hope to know in the next few months. BTW, the MTV True Life episode is available for free online now. Let us know what you think and thank you for your comment and kind wishes,
C & C