Rachel from the blog Infertile Private Parts, shared a poem with us that she wrote, titled Gone Too Soon. It is beautiful, raw and really brings out the feels of infertility and loss. If you have never come across this blog, you need to. I love reading her posts. This twin momma will make you laugh (a lot) and you will also eek out some tears along the way too. Thank you Rachel for sharing your poetic words with us.
Gone Too Soon.
Submitted by Rachel from Infertile Private Parts
Miracles do happen and then sometimes are taken away.
Hearts shattered from that one single day.
Gone too soon before we felt safe to share the news.
Six whole weeks and now we must choose.
Every doubling beta just as they should.
70, 170, relieved that the numbers looked good.
We only told a few close family and friends after test number two.
Could this be it? Was our dreams and years of waiting coming true?
Then a few days before the first ultrasound I started to bleed.
Panic. Dreams crushing. Helpless. In need.
We left the hospital after a long night of tests and was told everything was ok.
A few ruptured cysts, a new number, 1200, and so we prayed.
We lost our grandpa that week.
May he forever rest in peace.
Gone too soon.
Then finally the ultrasound we had been waiting over six long years for was here.
A tripled beta but no sac in the uterus which was our biggest fear.
After a long weekend of emotions feeling completely drained.
My face and body was tired from hiding the actually pain.
We came home from a memorial to only privately have one of our own.
Our fourth appointment an, “ectopic pregnancy” is what we were told and shown.
Gone too soon.
I had already wondered if you we’re a boy or a girl.
Daddy and I talked about you like you were our whole world.
And now as I sit here thinking about having to force you to leave.
You were the only thing in life I hoped for and now we must grieve.
Will my body do it’s job when it’s been broken for so long?
All I can do is listen to that damn Beam Me Up song.
Why me? Why us?
Haven’t we been through enough?
If I was an unmarried teen mom would my road have been this rough!?
We spend thousands on treatments just to be slapped in the face.
Our insurance companies are definitly a shameful disgrace.
But we carry on and pick ourselves up from the mess.
We may be bitter or angry and also depressed.
Never weak because we have handled all of these damn tests.
We are stronger and will appreciate our miracle more from this.
You were our hope, joy and shortly our bliss.
When the time comes and we have what we’ve wanted most.
You will be one more angel up in heaven standing guard at your post.
Gone too soon.
I wrote this for all my sisters still waiting and to those who have lost their miracles. You are not alone. Much love too you all. Keep your head up loves.
