Erin has bravely shared her story, which is one of simultaneous celebration and grief. Although I am told that a pregnancy that is free of any complications is filled with an array of emotions, Erin’s story is exponentially complex as she describes how she dealt with life and loss. She has captured in words a transcendental experience; the celebration of life and the reverence of loss with neither event overshadowing one another.
I met Erin a while back through a sisterhood of support. For those who are struggling through infertility or loss, please know there are support groups out there. (Click here to find a support group near you) Some of the closest friends I have, I met here. We are all tied together with the common bond of empty arms. She, like many of us, battled with the long road of family building. I watched firsthand, her joy of defeat of this disease slowly turn in one of devastation. Infertility is just one hurtle to overcome, carrying to term is a whole other struggle. I have cried with her, celebrated with her and mourned along with her. This my friends is true a fighter and I am honored to know her.
Erin’s Story
We were diagnosed with male factor infertility 2 years into our marriage. We were devastated. We never thought we would have children. After 6 or 7 unsuccessful IUI’s and a chemical pregnancy with our first IVF, all hope was lost. My husband really wanted us to try again, but I didn’t know if my heart could handle it. I agreed to try one more time, but that would be it. The doctors retrieved 7 eggs. The call the next morning broke my heart. They were able to inject 4 eggs and only 2 fertilized. In the previous cycle, 4 fertilized but we only had one that was still growing at day 6 transfer. The doctor had us come in for a 3 day transfer. Both embryos were classified as perfect textbook embryos. My hope was restored. The first BETA was 201, BETA #2 – 524, BETA #3 – 9,876. I couldn’t believe it I was going to be a mom! We went to our first ultrasound on April 7, which showed TWINS at 6 weeks pregnant. This was one of the best moments of our life! We went from having no hope of being parents to now being the parents of twins. We returned 4 weeks later for another ultrasound and twins were still present. It was at this appointment the doctor recommended the 12 week/first trimester screening to be done. Because we were having twins, that ultrasound was done at Maternal Fetal Medicine. The screening was positive on Baby A for Down syndrome. We did further DNA testing which again came back as Down Syndrome, but the next ultrasound did not show any markers like the first. We did find out we were having a baby boy!
We had ultrasounds what seemed like every week because we had twins and were being followed by MFM and my OBGYN. At our 16 week appointment, they found a hole in Baby A’s heart, another marker for Downs. The technicians don’t do a good job hiding things. The appointment was almost 2 hours and 1 ½ hours was spent on Baby A. The doctor assured us we could do surgery on the heart after the baby was born, sometime during his first year. It wasn’t a big deal.
July 23 I went in for my routine 20 week visit. My husband had training so he couldn’t go with me. I was so excited to see my babies again! As the doctor did the ultrasound, I could see her facial expression change as she called for the nurse. My sweet Baby A no longer had a heartbeat. There he was, lifeless, where in all the other ultrasounds he was moving all around. They would not allow me to leave the doctor’s office until someone came for me. My mom and sister are both nurses so it was hard to get ahold of them, and it took pulling some big strings to get ahold of my husband. 2 hours later everyone was at the doctor. They had scheduled for me to meet with MFM. They were turning my care over to them since I could go into labor at any time with my other twin.
My thoughts quickly changed from sadness to fear. It was one of the hardest things I had to do. How could I grieve for the loss of my baby and still feel one kicking inside of me? I had another baby boy to worry about! If I went into labor now the chance of survival was less than 50%. I continued to have ultrasounds every 4 weeks and was put on modified bed rest.
I watched my sister have her first baby the beginning of August. I was getting excited to have my own baby shower, which was scheduled for September 21, as well as her baby’s baptism, which my husband and I were the godparents, on September 20. We had lots of family coming, and I was excited to spend time with everyone. That all changed on September 19th when my water broke. My husband rushed me to the hospital where they told me that my survivor’s water had broken. I was 29 weeks and terrified that I was going to lose another baby. They hooked me up to the monitors and told me I was not in labor.
Confusion and panic filled my husband and me the entire night.
The next morning, September 20, at 9:45 I went to use the restroom in the labor and delivery room when I gave birth to my angel Baby A, Jonathan Daniel. The doctors were wrong! My water broke for the baby I had already lost. I was not prepared for this. I was told that the baby would be reabsorbed and I would not be able to hold him when my survivor was born. However, Jonathan proved them all wrong! I was able to hold my baby. He weighed 4 ounces and was 8 inches long. He was so much smaller than his last ultrasound but perfect none the less. I was so blessed that he was born before my survivor because I was able to grieve and not feel sorry for myself for doing so. My biggest fear was having my survivor and not being able to hold my angel.
It has been a year today since Jonathan was born. Not a day goes by that I don’t think of him, but the pain has become less. I think about what life would be like having 2 babies to take care of at one time, and I get sad I never had the opportunity to experience that. But I know that Jonathan was never supposed to be an earthly baby, he was supposed to be his little brother’s Guardian Angel, and that he has been. This loss has brought my husband and me closer.
I am now able to open up about my story and to be a shoulder to cry on for other couples.
