I feel like a failure. OK, so I suppose that is a pretty dramatic way to come out of the gate here. But this is how I feel today. I started to inducing lactation last March. I pumped day and night to trigger my body to start producing milk. My sleepless nights began then, not when Jellybean arrived. When she came, I was pre-conditioned with sleep deprivation, my nips were already an unrecognizable body part and I had a frozen stash in my freezer. I was proud and I felt like I gave Mother Nature the middle finger.
Now, 7 months after Jellybean has arrived. I have all but dried up my milk supply. I hit my stretch goal which was 6 months. So why so glum kid? I think it is a few things that are making me hang my head a little low today. I feel like I have built this time-consuming, monumental sandcastle and then just ran up and kicked it all down. Inducing lactation is hard, and it takes persistence, time and drive. I used my mental energy of not being able to carry my child and redirected it into pushing myself to be able to breastfeed. Then in one swift decision, I decided it was time to stop and two weeks later I no longer have milk. It took months to build a supply and two weeks to end it.
I am also battling with guilt. Am I letting my daughter down? I know this is silly. She has love, she is healthy and she is HERE. I feel guilty because there are so many women out there who wish they could have a child and here I am whining and sniveling about stopping breastfeeding? I also feel guilty because I am taking an easier route. Prior to me waving the ceremonious white flag, I was pumping 6-8 times a day for 20-25 minutes at a time to produce half of what she needed. That is 3 hours of pumping per day. Clothes were piling up and showers were few and far between. It was time to get back some personal time. Not only for my sake, but for those around me.
Although, I was upset to stop. I knew I needed to and here is why.
Time
I was spending a ridiculous amount of time pumping. 9 months of 6-8 times a day had worn out its welcome. By gaining this back in my life, I am able to carve out some personal time, make more time for play time with Jellybean and be a wife again. Being milked like a dairy cow, while trying to have a conversation with your significant other can be a bit distracting.
Mentally
You have to be ready mentally. I cried when I stopped but I was ready mentally. I had hit my personal goal and I knew it would be best for everyone. I have been lugging around an electronic ball and chain everywhere I went. I felt like I had been freed once I stopped pumping.
Physically
Babies have hulk-like strength. They do not write that in any manual I have yet to come across. Jellybean has a habit of grabbing a hand full of boob and giving me purple nurples that would rival any school yard bully. A few weeks ago she hit the bullseye. She managed to get a handful of all nip and it was a bloody mess. I also had to keep my pumping schedule despite the injury. Showers hurt, air hurt, pumping was a torture device.
For those inducing lactation or considering it. DO IT! It is an amazing experience and for me, I felt like I had gained back power of my womanhood. Despite my infertility, missing lady bits and feelings of pregnancy ineptitude, I breastfed my baby. No matter how long, I did it. I also felt guilty when I stopped. I will be clear on my stance that the breast is best, but it is not for everyone. I read so much on how others are judged by some Marva Maid moms because they choose not to breastfeed. I even came across a post from a breastfeeding mom recently ranting on how formula companies should not be allowed to distribute coupons. I think this person did not think this entirely through. Low milk supply, personal circumstances, physical reasons and in the case of the infertile world I live in, women who do not physically give birth are all reasons why formula is just as good of a decision. Just like the gift to bare children, not everyone is blessed with the ability to breastfeed.
So you know, I feel like I may have failed in being a mom that could exclusively breastfeed with milk cannons that would rival any bovine. I will never judge another mom for their decisions on the matter, and I will reminisce in the memories I have when I was able to nurse Jellybean.
Chris- Whew! It was awkward talking to Candace while her nipples were being pulled into another dimension! I am soooo proud of her. She has down-played this a bit. Her first goal … produce milk. Second goal … breastfeed for 3 months. Super stretch goal … breast feed 6 months. Candace you made it! Our Jellybean has some awesome bad-ass immune system stuff flowing in her blood and it is thanks to your hooters! Although I recently learned that men can breastfeed (Click here), I am exhilarated that Candace had this special time to bond with Jellybean. I have but one question: Candace … since we will no longer be draining our state’s electrical supply on your breast pump, can I get that new set of irons I have been eye-balling?
I love this so much. First off, Candace, you are a serious rock star for inducing lactation and breastfeeding for so long. Chris is a rock star, too, for being so supportive. Secondly, you make so many important points about breastfeeding and how great it is, but it is not the only beautiful way to feed a baby. I was forced to stop breastfeeding when my son was 4mo (he is 7mo now) and it was so, so hard. I can relate with so many of the same emotions you expressed in this post. My husband and I also have traveled the infertility path and the reason I had to stop breastfeeding is the same reason I am infertile. Breast may be best, like you said, but it is not for everyone. We (society) often look so adoringly at a breastfeeding mama, as we should. But I hope we also look on adoringly at a woman who is feeding her baby formula. Because the fact of the matter is, there’s a baby, and a mama, and Isn’t that already such a beautiful sight?
Sending you lots of positive and supportive thoughts through this time.
I love this comment so much!!! It sucks when it is against your plan. Infertility is the gift that just keeps on taking away. There are so many studies that show some IF diagnosis lead to low milk supply. Many hardcore (the judgy ones) Bfing moms, do not realize that before casting an assumption. I could not agree more with your statement, it is a beautiful sight and one that for some was not easily achieved. Thank you for the encouraging words and love.