Recently, Candace and I went to an adoption information session held at a local Bethany Christian Services office. Although we are going to be going through another, our last, FET, we wanted to learn about adoption. There are a ton of reasons for this, the ones at the top of the list are: Candace is likely to lose her uterus in the next 5ish years, we want more than 1 kid (greedy right, we don’t even have one yet!), and we wanted to know the lay of the land for all of our options. Interestingly, our visit to the adoption clinic was on the same day that we had an appointment at our fertility clinic.
For those that think that issues with having children is a mental thing, the ol’ trying to hard argument, I would like an explanation why the information session at Bethany Christian was packed. Is it in all of our heads? Should we get the water checked in the area? Maybe I should write a letter to our congressman about pollutants in the air. Ready for another shocker? Please don’t take offense to this but Candace and I expected the room to be full of older couples. You know, the 40+ crowed that chased careers too long, didn’t find Mr/Mrs. right in time, etc. Guess what, over half the crowd in there seemed to be in there early to mid 30s. We even think there were a few couples in their 20s. Maybe this is a sign that fertility issues are truly becoming more pervasive in recent times. Whatever the case, we did not realize how ignorant we were about everything (AGAIN) until we sat through this information session.
So, time to tell you what we learned. This will mostly be about domestic adoption. Admittedly, that is what we are leaning towards so it got our attention more. We will share some info we learned about international adoption in a future blog…Teaser, try this on, Hague Convention, BMI, and 6 years. Check back later for that folks.
Everyone familiar with the IVF world knows about the dreaded 2 week wait, 2WW. Grab your seat guys no getting away from this with domestic adoption either. After everything is said and done – you have been selected by an expectant mother, all paperwork is signed, your beautiful bundle of happiness has been born – you still have to wait 11 days for that precious baby you have longed for so many years to be irrevocably yours. At least in our state. Each state has its own laws. For Bethany, there are couples that can take care of the newborn in this interim state after which the baby is yours.
Domestic adoption these days is progressing towards semi-open to open adoption. For Bethany, semi-open is the minimum. Semi-open means that you will be required to submit reports to Bethany at specific intervals and Bethany will forward this information on to the birth mother. The birth mother can relinquish this requirement, but Bethany will not do closed adoption (where the birth mother is kept entirely out of the child’s life). Open adoption is where there is full communication directly between the birth parents and the adoptive parents. Although it is not as common, it is more common in recent times than ever before.
So, where did that leave Candace and I? Well, one not yet mentioned thing is that if you want to work with Bethany Christian Services, you have to be … wait for it … Christian. You will need a letter from your pastor as a reference. Lucky for Candace and I, we recently joined an awesome church. Here is a slight digression (So, we were lost outside looking for Bethany and asked a random lady driving by for directions. Although she couldn’t help us, she shared a related story with us and asked our names so she could pray for us. A sign maybe?) The session left Candace and I wide-eyed. Candace seemed to be overwhelmed with the hoops and scheduling that you have to go through to adopt. For me, I like the fact that there is an established path to follow. My big hang up is the 11 day wait after everything should be set in stone. Both of us don’t like the uncertainty and waiting from when your application is complete and an expectant mother selects you. It could be 12 days or 5+ years. Try planning your future with that big gap in possibilities.
Either way, Candace and I know we will walk the adoption path to realize our family dreams!
Keep going to sessions. I started gathering information on adoption in our last year of TTC with treatment. Once we were done with treatment and mentally ready, we had the info we needed to start the adoption process. Now we are in our home study process, and I finally have some hope back in my life. The hope comes easier now because, as you said, there is a path laid out to follow. Do A, B, C and in time you will get a child. Infertility totally stole that away from me for several years. Best of luck!
Thank you for the advice and keep us posted on your progress! Since you are in the thick of it, are there any tools or other resources that you could recommend to those out there jsut starting out? We just read the book, “Adopt without Debt” and there were some great ideas in there.
With adoption, it is a lot to take. If that is the route you guys take, just take it one step at a time. I look at the waiting time as a chance to really contemplate what it means to raise a child who was adopted. The 11 days is tough, NY is 30 days. We are adopting through Bethany and they have said many times that they do extensive counseling with the expectant parents and it is rare that someone changes their mind and if they do, it is usually immediately after they have given birth. That was one of the reasons why we chose Bethany because of the counseling and education seminars they have during “the wait”. Good luck and love to the both of you.
I wish you the best of luck with the adoption process. I work with your husband, and he told me about this blog during the MTV visit. I was adopted by two amazing parents so I can speak to what a blessing it is. I know it will not come without frustration (and a TON of patience), but it will all be worth it. My parents are my absolute heroes and I’m so thankful that my biological mother gave them the world’s most precious gift (that sounds a little snooty – not me personally, but by allowing them to become parents). I look forward to reading more about your journey and have been keeping you both in my prayers!
Hey Denise,
Sorry we couldn’t publish this sooner. We had to wait until the show was close to airing. Thank you for the kind wishes for our family building efforts and I am looking forward to having a child at the daycare one day!
thanks for sharing.