A Wish

Chris- Throughout our relationship, Candace and I have wished.  We have wished for lottery winnings, wished for the air conditioner to keep working through the summer, wished for our car to make it home.  No wish has been bigger, seemed less attainable, been as absolutely exhausting, and remained so compelling as our wish to have a family.  After years of failed medical procedures, and an internal civil war in Candace’s lady bits, our Jellybean came into our lives thanks to the amazing, selfless act of being a gestational carrier undertaken by our Wonder Surro!  Our Jellybean, now four and a half (she will remind you if you leave the half out), has been a constant source of joy and inspiration with just enough immeasurable parenting frustration sprinkled in to keep Candace and I honest.

Not surprising, Jellybean has dreams and wishes that are constantly developing and evolving as she sees more and more of the world around her.  One of the incredibly challenging dreams of hers that we have had to address is her wish to have a sibling.  How exactly do you explain that you have a low sperm count and your wife had implantation issues due to precancerous cell growth resulting in a partial hysterectomy and the removal of her uterus to a four (and a half) year old?  My eyes were glazing over just typing that.  Well, you don’t.  You sidestep with phrases like, “God made our family this way and we are incredibly thankful.”  Meanwhile, unbeknownst to our Jellybean, covert operation “Wohl+1” was underway.  We were making hard decisions like- save for retirement or try to build our family, put aside money for Grayson’s college or undergo a stimulation and retrieval.  All of this while trying to make sure that we don’t have an idle, underwhelmed Jellybean with experiences depleted from her childhood.  We were leading double lives, very secret agent style, and it was a draining experience.  When our 2^nd gestational carrier pulled out the week of calendar day 1, the floor fell out from under us.  The covert nature of what we were trying to do meant that we couldn’t let any of this spill into our family life.  It was like balancing an elephant on a needle point (blunted so that there would be no animal cruelty of course).  Those were days where our forced “brightness” with Jellybean meant the “darkness” felt in her absence was that much more impenetrable. 

God has a funny way of pulling you back though, or providing a path when your landscape has been completed blighted by grief and hopelessness.  That path involved connecting us with the family of our Wondrous Wombmate.  Meeting her meant that, well, we may just be able to go through another surrogacy, we may be able to address our Jellybean’s wish of having a sibling.  Of course, since Candace and I were adept at being family building double agents, Jellybean was aloof to any goings on as it related to this mission.  At some point though, you can’t keep sidestepping her inquiries and have to tell the truth …

Candace- I remember walking through a store and coming across a book called “Wish” by Matthew Cordell.  I read it. I cried. I immediately tossed it into my already maxed out Target basket. Because Target. If you have never read this book, it is a throat punch in the feels. It explains a couple’s journey of marriage, waiting, planning, waiting… and wishing. But that one thing they so desperately wish for never seems to come, yet they keep wishing. Then one day after the storm, their wish came true.

I dare anyone with a heartbeat to read that book and not have some immense feeling. Because we all have that that one thing we so desperately wish for amiright?

We’ve read this book to Jellybean many times and we’ve had a lot of conversations. She knows my “belly is broken” but still doesn’t fully understand why we cannot have another child—a brother or a sister. Her response is usually “you prayed to Jesus for me, so ask him to fix you.” Twist that knife a little deeper kid.  Being that she is too young for a human anatomy lesson, I’m forced to wipe those yet to be seen tears, smile and say we will keep praying my darling.

Well, we all prayed and we all made a wish together…

*disclosure, if you are not in good place in your journey, best skip past this video.

 

 

Ridiculously talented video credit goes to:  Lovell Productions

So, what’s next? We, brick by brick start taking down our defensive barrier of protection that we have built around us to protect us, and shelter Jellybean from the storms we have endured as an infertile couple.  

We celebrate milestones trimester after trimester.

We pray for our #WonderousWombmate and her family as she endures the complicated process of a surrogacy pregnancy.

We let our guard down and joy in.

We keep focus that this is a gift, and that the pain and ache that others have who want what we have right now, is not lost on us. As we are the rare lucky ones that got a second chance at parenthood.

We keep wishing, and waiting for the day we get to meet Waffle.  

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