Candace-Nothing is ever how you imagine it. That image of how it is “supposed to be” in your head is always much different than what it is in reality. That is the spontaneous beauty of life though. You can plan it out down to the second but there will be inevitable delays, there will be road blocks and there will be unsuspected surprises.
I had come to terms with most of the dwindling images of how it is “supposed to be” when we closed the door to fertility treatments. I knew that when we started to seek out adoption that more than likely the first sight of our child would be when it was placed in our arms by the social worker at our adoption agency. In some cases, adoptive parents are able to be a part of the gestation period and at the birth. However, that is not always the case.
When we were presented with the once in a life time opportunity to have our child through surrogacy, I was completely lost as to the logistics of appointments and how much interaction we would be able to have with our future baby. Who schedules the appointments? Can I be in room? How about Chris? Will the doctors think we are weirdos? I will probably incessantly ugly-face-snotty- cry, so will I get kicked out of the OB for being an emotionally unstable disturbance? These are those new unknown factors and we did not know what to expect. We were lucky though because this was not our wonder-surro’s first rodeo at dealing with green intended parents. A few years back she carried gestational twins for another couple so she knew the ropes. More so she is 110% ok with us being at every appointment and there every step of the pregnancy. This is what raced through my mind when the monitor screen lit up and Mr. Ultrasound Wand emerged:
It was awkward.
I am sure it was awkward for our wonder surro too. When you are a fertility patient you do not get released from your clinic until week 6 or 8. So here we have 1 RE, 2 nurses, my surro in stirrups and Chris and I sandwiched into a very small exam room. I have been in that same chair in compromising positioning with my lady bits on display countless times. But wait, it is not me this time it is her. I have to make sure she is comfortable all while making sure Chris and I are positioned in a way where we cannot see her ladybits that would make it even more awkward but in a place where we can have a clear view of the monitor. The sheer logistics of where to stand is downright a complicated cluster f.
I feel like a dude.
I am spectator. Not a participant. I feel helpless and have no control over anything that is going on. I look on with anticipation wondering what morning sickness is like or what a flutter of a kick would be. I too, now do not have the plumbing to ever know. It’s ok though because I am not standing alone. Chris is right next to me holding my hand as the lights turn off and the monitor lights up in full focus.
Time stood still at that moment.
And just like that without much of playing hide and seek there was the first glimpse of our baby. My knees almost gave way and I had to remember to breathe. Good thing I did not pass out because I am pretty sure Chris was not paying any attention to me, he was also glued to the image before us in amazement. I did not even feel the tears streaming down until one of the nurses handed me a tissue. I was intoxicated by disbelief. This moment was one of those “supposed to be” times in our life that had not happened the way we expected, but I can tell you that it was a surprise that was intended for us and this embryo was now a baby that had been chosen for us, and gifted by our wonder surro.
Chris-
It was awkward.
So, for the female readers of this blog, have you ever been in a room when a bunch of doctors were planning on looking at and diagnosing your husband’s friend’s shlong? No? You haven’t been in the room when the doctor tells him to whip it out and then proceeds to manipulate his ‘man-plumbing’ to see what he wants to see? Oh really, that has never happened to you? Well, that is exactly what this situation was like. I saw Mr. Ultrasound Wand. I knew where he was going. And all I could think about was “Where the hell am I supposed to look until things start happening on the screen there?” My feet took center stage as I focused on the intricate lacing job I had done that morning while the doctors were getting everything situated. Awkward isn’t quite the right word. It was awkward when it was Candace in the stirrups and surprisingly, my shoes were equally interesting while the docs were setting up. No, this was an infinite amount more awkward. But, we knew why we were there and although Candace didn’t say it, I think both of us walked in with the mindset that ‘the proof is in the picture.’ In other words, we are not going to start to dismantle our 7-year-in-the-making wall of safety against disappointment just because a blood test said we should.
I feel like a dude (a me).
Well, I never had the plausibility of having Mr. Ultrasound Wand visit my ladybits (not complaining by the way). But, nevertheless, I am a spectator yet again. Although this time, I am maybe even one more measure removed. I cannot comfort the person on the table getting probed. Actually, Candace has a bit of an “in” on that because she can pull the “I’m a girl” card and be a bit closer than me. But, at this point, I am accustomed to the spectator role. Like I said, I am a huge fan of my shoes so staring at the ground is nothing new to me. What was new was having Candace there in the spectators’ arena with me. It is a different feeling and we talked about it afterwards. I know it is not the most interactive role to play, but like Candace said, at least we got to be a part of this very early stage of knowing our baby.
Time stood still at that moment.
Seems like a bit of an understatement. Maybe something like, the very first electron from that image that smacked into my eyeball made the past seven years all worth it. We saw it! I mean we really saw it. It wasn’t an imaginary positive or even an actual positive test. It wasn’t a phone call saying “You’re preggos,” or at least your surro is. Nope, this was an actual entity that was still in the earliest of early phases of formation and growth. But there it was! That was the day that the nickname “Jelly Bean” was born. The first day that I saw our Jelly Bean and started to imagine everything I would do with “that” Jelly Bean instead of the imaginary one I had dreamed about for so long. Time didn’t stand still for me. I stood still as the time I had been holding onto so tightly for the past seven years rushed passed me and I turned my hopeful eyes once more, and after so long, at the future. And this future, had our family in it!
Oh, God! I can’t imagine how that moment must have felt. Tears are streaming thinking of that moment when time stood still. God bless you, Chris, Candace & JB 🙂
Thank you Rachel and thank you for our little one’s first nickname “JB.” I kinda like that. This situation was certainly a memorable experience and one that we can’t wait to share with our child. We cannot thank our surro enough for not only being our surro, but also for being so open with us and letting us be there for all of these appointments.
Actually I have LOL. We have male factor infertility. When we met with the urologist they had my husband lower his pants and boxers while he and a resident examined him. For several minutes. I felt SO awkward. So I think I know how my husband felt at all of those ultrasounds!
Thank you Marianne. By the way, did you memorize the pattern that your shoes were laced in during this appointment 🙂 Have you guys talked about this and how each of you has felt awkward during each other’s appointments? That would definitely be an interesting perspective.
Aaannd…cue tears.
This is a moment I long for. And even though we haven’t even done the transfer yet I am already plotting the logistics of how this scenario would play out for us. Thanks for trailblazing on this one, guys, I really appreciate it. 😉
May your Jelly Bean continue to grow healthily and bring you much joy! I’m so happy for you two!
After seeing your episode on True Life I sought out your blog and for quite some time was keeping up with it, but the Holidays kept me from learning all your good news. So, recently I had an appointment of my own and after sitting in the waiting room for like 20 minutes, I realized who I was sitting across from….. You guys! I was so star struck and then sooooo excited for y’all, I immediately pulled up the blog while I was sitting there. Im sure my husband thought I was a nut because I was so excited =). Best wishes to y’all and your growing family.
I can only imagine! But I’m so glad that your baby is doing well!