Part 1
Alright, week two of Chris blogging and this is what I want you to do; I am going to paint two pictures and I want you to tell me how anxious they make you feel. Game? First scenario: you just waited for 2 hours to get a front row seat on a brand new roller coaster. It is the fastest, tallest, highest G-force roller coaster ever. The drop is greater than 90 degrees, i.e., you will be traveling into the future, your screams won’t be heard for minutes! How are you feeling? A little nervous … anxious perhaps? Okay, second scenario: you just sat down on a very short flight, total air time 50 minutes. The flight is on time and you have experienced no unexpected issues, i.e., TSA was not too touchy/feely. You have taken this flight at least 10 times before. Well, how nervous now? Just like on the roller coaster? Probably not. Flight scenario seem a little less intimidating?
I would have thought the same thing. That is until I got on that exact flight. I could not tell you exactly how but imagine the scenario above. I just got on the plane, and sat down. The loading door shut and suddenly, the plane seemed to narrow! I felt like all the air left the cabin and my coach seat shrunk by about 6000%. 50 minutes. That is how long I felt this way. 50 minutes of feeling like I was going to suffocate and have a heart attack! Once we landed, it didn’t end. I felt so incredibly unhinged that I had to cancel the rest of my travel. Oh another 45 minute flight … and did I mention it was a work trip. Yeah, I had to cancel a work trip. What’s more, I had to leave the airport! Yep, standing inside the airport was too much for me. I called my boss, told him that something had come up and I needed to get home ASAP. I got a rental car. The bus ride to the rental car facility was unbearable. That bus felt so small and I was sure that the bus driver was looking at me like I was insane. Of course she wasn’t, but in my mind, I was batshit crazy. I had some small hard candies and was able to drive back home by eating one of those candies every five minutes. Oh, I tried getting in the fast lane. That was a mistake. I felt trapped! Trapped between everyone trying to come into my lane and the dividing wall. So, I drove the next 4 hours, barely able to concentrate, eating my candy every five minutes, in the slow lane. When I got home, it wasn’t any better. I was exhausted! Being afraid for hours with no real explanation will drain you. I had to sleep on a certain side of the bed and, when the room felt too small, I moved to the couch. As usual, Candace was awesome. She was with me every bit of the way and rubbed my back that night until I finally fell asleep.
Geez Chris, you are a nut job! That’s what I thought too. And I felt like it was scribbled across my face. I started looking into it though and realized that, even more frequent than people affected by infertility, about 20% of adults will experience some form of a panic/anxiety attack in their lifetime. Science fools! Just like the impact on our finances, emotions, and bodies, infertility is a total savage beast when it comes to messing with our psyches. I am not sure whether I would have panic attacks if we didn’t have infertility, but I do know that infertility catalyzed my panic. That trip I was on was being cut short because I needed to rush home for another transfer … that subsequently failed. Total mind trip right! So before I tell you about techniques that I have used to battle my panic, I wanted to let you know where I was coming from. Just like infertility, I decided to face this head on and not be ashamed about it. If anyone asked me, I would happily tell them that I am taking medication, talking to a psychiatrist, and talking to a therapist. Hey, I’m not just going to let this consume me! I am fighting back! I have been on dozens of plane rides since this episode and will continue to do so. Some may be fine, others, may be more challenging. But those that know us know that we don’t back down from challenges too often. I have had panic attacks driving to work, sitting in my bedroom, getting in elevators, and checking into my room in a hotel. Panic has truly infiltrated my life. If you have had panic attacks, I encourage you, wear it like a badge of pride! Hey, I have a totally irrational fear of BLANK but I am not going to back away from it just because of that! I always feel encouraged and inspired when I talk to other people that have issues with panic and anxiety and would never have the opportunity to do so if I tried to ignore my issue. I have panic attack … and that’s okay … and if you have panic attacks … that’s okay too!
Alright, soap box speech over. Next week will not be the follow on to this post, it will be something different. But in two weeks’ time, I will tell you everything that I have tried to overcome panic. Some successful, some not so much. For more information on panic disorders, here is another website with tons of info.
Oh, and I heard this book is good as well. I haven’t read it yet, but it is on my to-do list.
Candace— Boo Anxiety! YEY, Advocacy Day! ( Drop-in of the week)
Oh wow, so sorry you had to go through that, Chris. My friend’s husband had a similar thing happen the first time they left their only child with family while they went on a trip. They had to cancel a cruise to Hawaii and drive back to California from Seattle. I’ve also experienced panic attacks while traveling overseas. They are not fun! I look forward to hearing your upcoming post about what you’re doing to try to overcome it. Hang in there!