Candace: I guess you could say I have “pregnant belly-dar.” If there is a pregnant woman rocking a bump within a 1 mile radius, my attention is drawn right to her. Maybe it is innate awareness, most likely it is pregnancy envy. Despite Chris’s quick “stop staring” elbow jab to the rib, I can’t help but wonder why her and not me? So, what do I do? I go down a complete opposite end of an isle at the grocery store. I tell my 5th friend who just announced she/he are expecting this month, muster up a smile and say, “Hey congrats.” I click “like” on a myriad of baby pictures on Facebook in a half-hazard attempt to show support and then take a mental note to try my best to stream past them in the future at lightning speed to help avoid that knife stabbing pain that is a constant reminder of what we cannot seem to achieve.
Imagine riding the pine for every baseball game and watching every single one of your teammates knock homeruns out of the park … even if those team members that suck at the game and really shouldn’t be playing. It is hard to cope with. But over time, I have learned to start to accept that I may not have my own biological child, and that this may not be our path. Putting our faith that God has a plan for us. Hiding under a rock or running like hell in the other direction every time I see that golden bump I want so dearly is not healthy for us or for those around me. I have learned to find ways to deal with my “pregnancy-dar.” Although, I have to say every time I get a pedicure, I always get the one pregnant chick out of the employees that work there, seriously every time. I am now pretty good at home-pedis.
Chris: Although I do not have the desire to “feel” what it is like to be pregnant, I can certainly relate to Candace’s oh-so-well described “Pregnant-dar.” More than anything, when we are together in public and I recognize someone expecting before she does, I try to steer us in the opposite direction. Even though it would not have a pronounced effect, seeing a pregnant woman and a happy growing family does tend to dim the brightest of our days ever so slightly.
The part that gets at me the most is the idea that our friends and family of similar age are progressing with the family growth thing while we are stuck in the mud. It is frustrating to hear all of this “great news” and not be able to feel “great” about it with them. One thing that Candace and I want to stress to everyone in our lives that is expecting or recently had a child is that we are ecstatic for you. We know that the child will be a blessing to your lives and wish nothing but joy for you all. Unfortunately, our circumstances preclude us from being able to express this and really “feel” it. We are trying to balance our benevolence with our selfishness and it is a tough thing to do. Basically folks, hang in there with us. Once we get through this daunting obstacle placed before us, we will be back to being awesome, super-cool, people.
How to handle “The Bump:”
So, where does that leave all of us dealing with “bump envy?” First, you owe it to yourself to take care of yourself. How about we go through some scenarios and discuss what we have found to be effective-
1. Do not feel obligated to attend baby showers, go baby clothes shopping, etc. When you are invited to one of these events and feel that it will be too much, you can politely decline. If this is a close friend or family member, you may want to tell them why you being there would be tough. If they have trouble with this, that is on them. If they are not that close, even if they are., you should not feel obligated to explain your absence. We have also bought gifts online and had them delivered to these events.
2. Limit your conversation when someone makes the big announcement to you. If your friend or family member tells you they are expecting, keep your conversation simple. Say, “Congrats,” “I’m so happy for you,” whatever comes to mind first. In all likelihood, you probably are happy for them. It’s just that, well, it is difficult to express it. For the next several interactions with this person, you may feel awkward about that first “hello,” Just focus on what things in that person made you want a friendship with them and focus on that.
3. Consider how to deliver “bump news.” If you are pregnant and have a friend or family member that is having fertility issues, don’t call them onstage at a concert to announce it to them! Consider the array of emotions that they will be dealing with at the same time and act accordingly. Oh, and don’t wait until you are 6 months pregnant to tell them. It would cause undue stress on you and raises the question of why they were the absolute last person to find out. This can make them feel even worse about their situation.
Great post! It is difficult to explain those feelings to those who are over the moon. You feelings are absolutely normal. Hang in there guys, I know you’ll be called mom and dad one day.
Thanks for posting! You guys took the words right out of my mouth. I have been the first to admit by baby envy. It bothered me at first but I believe it is perfectly normal.
Thank you for giving it a name. A pregnant belly-dar! Love it! I also have this ability and suffer from the symptoms.
CBrain- Oh the super-hero talent I wish I didn’t have! I read a view posts from your blog –great stuff.
Thank you for explaining this so eloquently. We have a six-year old daughter, but we struggled with fertility for about 3.5 years. You really want to be happy for others, but you just can’t, especially when it’s happening to EVERYONE around you oNE rigjt after another. People who catch on think you’re being an awful person 🙁 We always said to have one was a blessing, and she IS, but I was kind of hoping another one would come along in the past 6 years, and it hasn’t. Now all of sudden it seems like even those people that said they were done having kids are getting pregnant recently, and I’m taking it harder than I thought I would and I almost feel ashamed and ungrateful. I love how you mentioned that you put your faith in God’s plan for you. That’s what we did the first time, and what we are trying so hard to do again.