So I guess we’re doing this?
Wait, let me rewind this back a bit. Normally in the world of surrogacy, you are in the vicious cycle of wait. Not like you aren’t already used to waiting in regards to reproductive treatment, but surrogacy is just a bit “extra”. For those who are not entirely familiar with surrogacy and how it works, it’s a long process. It’s not a “oh hai, let’s have a baby together” and a couple of weeks later you are all crammed in an exceptionally small exam room blissfully staring at an ultrasound together.
You wait, she waits, they wait, everybody waits. Here’s why: There are many surrogacy steps.
But first, questions.
Congrats, she said yes! Or in our case, they came to us and we said HELL YES. Alright, so what’s next? We all talk. As in our #WonderousWombmate, Mr.Wonderous, and Chris and I. We ask questions (see throw-back post about those questions here). The thing is, these are not normal conversations about the weather or the timeless question of whether it is okay to wear white pants after Labor Day. The questions are invasive, personal, and can even be hot-topic and controversial in nature. They are also incredibly important to hash out. Think to yourself, do you agree 100% with EVERYTHING your husband/partner believes in? NO. No two minds are the exactly the same. Add in 4 people, a redonkulous amount of questions, and there’s bound to be some things that someone will have to compromise on. The end game is having everyone on the same page and talking through every single scenario. This is where a solid surrogacy partnership begins… or in some cases ends.
There’s a large to-do list. For her.
The first thing that has to be done is testing … lots of testing. People who have spent years in fertility clinic stirrups are quite accustomed to this. However, most gestational carriers who decide to do surrogacy have had seamless pregnancies (for the most part). So tests, extra medications, science-y things, and all of the hoopla that is the norm for us folks with broken lady bits, can be difficult for someone who has never had to have reproductive intervention. In our situation, our Wonderous Wombmate has selflessly offered to carry our baby, but before she puts her body through 9 months of all the fun things pregnancy can offer: cankles, heartburn, and rockin’ hemorrhoids, she has to begin this surrogacy with putting her body through a battery of testing.
Typical surrogacy screening may involve:
- Hydro-sonogram
- Lots of glorious bloodwork
- An up-to-date pap smear
- OB-GYN statement of health
- Psychological exam (both she and her spouse/partner)
- Social disease testing (both she and her spouse/partner)
- Uterine lining checks
- Multiple Ultrasounds
- Mock Transfer
All of this occurs in a series of multiple appointments. The logistics of working out child care and going to a battery of appointments can be a whole new layer of challenge to manage for gestational carriers. Not to mention, you may get the stink-eye for having a kid in the fertility clinic with you– our clinic has a room specific for these situations which is awesome.
After all of this questioning and testing, you just hope and pray that they don’t run for the hills. So far ours has not run anywhere.
Since we have already been there and done that, and this will be a frozen embryo transfer, Chris and I were able to bypass our own set of social disease testing, sperm quarantine, psychological exams and the bjillion other things that would have had to be done for fresh IVF stimulation and retrieval.
Frozen embryo’s for the win ya’ll!
Contract:
This is where ish gets real. There is a lot of uncomfortable conversations that can happen and you will not always agree on specific requests. Remember when we said ask lots of questions? There will still be some that pop up during the surrogacy contract process. But lean in and repeat after me, this.is.normal. One thing is for sure, the rubber meets the road once the contract has been thoroughly reviewed, tweaked, and signed. As for us, we’re buckling up, because we now have a signed contract and can all celebrate these small yet mighty, surrogacy milestones. From here, things start to move fast. Instead of the previous status quo of “hurry up and wait,” we move from waiting, to a whole lot of hurrying.
So what’s the next step?
Medications and periods. Greaaaaaat combination amiright? I am sure our Wonderous Wombmate is absolutely thrilled about people stalking her for the few weeks for any sign of Aunt Flo. This is also where Murphy’s Law reigns true. When you want to kick it with Aunt Flo, she is MIA. When you don’t want her around, she is not only early to the party, but she decides to be the last one to leave. Our amazing Wonderous Wombmate is also gearing up to subject her body to a whole lot of hormones. For people who have never had to take medications and do weird science to become pregnant, this part is exceptionally hard. It’s also hard on me too. It’s no longer about physical endurance anymore, but trust me, I remember exactly how all of it made my body feel after years, upon years, of treatment. The emotional struggle starts to set in and really, the emotional pain can be far worse at times.
I stand by and watch someone juggle appointments, get poked and prodded, and experience pain all on my behalf. Every appointment when I stand on the sidelines and every medication ordered in someone else’s name is a sharp reminder that my body is broken and it has failed me. There is also something that’s beautiful about it all. Apart from witnessing kindness at a level that is indescribable, I get the chance of walking with someone through the fertility process from the lens of supporting them in a way that knew I would have wanted.
So what happens now? As for Chris and I, we wait. We hope. We support her and her family. And hope Aunt Flo shows up to the party on time.
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