So before we got Our Curveball we had finally, after many heartbreaking painful sobs and tissues later accepted that having a baby bump was not our path to parenthood. We announced a few months ago with much joy, that C&C were adopting! With that announcement came a series of events that I am sure many of those reading this blog may or will experience while on this path. 1. People were so incredibly supportive. “Oh you are great people for adopting! There are so many kids out there who need a home.” We had support from some throughout our fertility procedures but nowhere near the outpouring of support after we had announced we where adopting. I had mixed feelings about this. It just doesn’t have that altruistic ring to it when you say, “Hey everyone, I am going to have a series of surgeries, medications, painful procedures because Chris and I are the 1 in 8 couples that cannot conceive without medical help, so we are doing IVF.” Yeah … it’s a lonely island to be on when you are going through something in your life that not many can understand. 2. The misconceptions people had about adoption shocked me as was made apparent by the questions we got. Perhaps, folks have this preconceived notion that you go to a cabbage patch with babies in it and you just pick one out and walk away with your new family, happily ever after. I also thought that since we had closed the door on the whole needles thing, that the Tasty Sneakers comments would fade into the past. Also, wrong! After trudging through all of these off-color, eccentric questions, we thought we should share some of them with our faithful readers. We reached out to others in the adoption community as well to truly fill our minds with those good-intentioned or misinformed questions thrown at them on a daily basis.
Therefore, we have made a list of the top 5 bonehead things not to say to people adopting as well as cheeky responses that, if nothing else, you can think of while you are in the moment.
1. Don’t you want your own child?
Naw, I am getting lazy and want to take the first thing I can get my hands on. Can I have yours? Or really, just dress up a dog as a child, I won’t be able to tell the difference. In reality, an adopted child is no less “your child” than a biological one. Don’t believe me … ask someone who has adopted a child if they consider that child to be “theirs.” After picking yourself up off the ground with a tingly sensation around your left eye, I think you will see things their way.
2. Are you going to pick out a boy or a girl?
Not sure on this one. Maybe we will do the whole eenie-meenie-minie-moe technique. How did you pick the sex of your child? You didn’t?! Huge shocker! When we get our grocery cart at the adoption mega-center, we are going to hit up the Nobel prize winning, full scholarship, football quarterback, boys isle. No, there is no “picking” with adoption, the birth mother/parents pick the adopting couple. The adopting couple does all they can to show the birth mother that they would be good and loving parents to any child. At this stage, we would take a boy, girl, or androgynous alien so long as it doesn’t put all those crop circles in the yard.
3. Will you tell your child how much they cost?
Do you tell your kids how much you paid to conceive them? Let’s do the math for you … 1 bottle of tequila- $20, 1 lime- $0.75, 1 care-free romp in the sack- $free.99, throw in a pregnancy test- $15.99 … and bam Little Johnny cost you $36.74. Ok, the point is no, we don’t plan on making our child feel guilty or feel like they are an object for purchase. It devalues human life.
4. Don’t they pay you to adopt?
Do they pay you to breathe oxygen? Do they pay you to eat food or sleep? No, they also don’t pay you to adopt … whoever the “they” is. There is such a thing as foster care in which you can receive a modest reimbursement from some states to take in children that are in the foster system. This is a different beast entirely and although in some cases the fostered children do go on to be adopted, the system is there for temporary care of children in need of a stable environment. Let’s look at it this way, how much did you get paid to have all the memories you have made with your child? The way we see it, fulfilling that burning desire to have a family and start making those memories is worth much more than any currency on the planet. If they don’t like that response, follow it up with a “Suck it!” and slowly walk away … backwards. <– Any other New Girl fans out there?
5. You know, now that you are adopting you will get pregnant. XYZ friend of mine had it happen to her.
Whoa … stop right there. You are telling me I wasted $60K on a “pretend” medical condition called infertility, and all I had to do was pay $35K to go through the adoption process so that midway through, I will get miraculously pregnant? Hallelujah! Now, don’t tell the fully-packed fertility clinics this secret or they will have to close down and go out of business. What will I do with the adopted child that I only “picked” so I could get pregnant? Is there a “I got pregnant” return policy? Nope, nope, nope. Adopt because you will love that child, not because you cannot have one biologically.
If you are reading this and you are the recipient of these comments, remember people don’t know all the facts of things they are not familiar with. They only know the rumors. Yes, these comments hurt, but use these opportunities to foster a conversation that will go further. Educate and be the voice. Now if you are reading our blog and think to yourself, “Hmmm, I have probably said a Tasty Sneakers comment at some point.” Use this time to ask supportive questions. Try these next time: How can I help you? Tell me about the process. I know this is difficult, I am thinking of you. Or just break out the smile and nod technique. Worst case scenario, break dance … just kidding.
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I am sure that in my naive pre-babymakingkeeping years (oh how I miss you!!!) I said some stupid shit. I KNOW IM guilty of the ‘when are you guys going to start a family?’. I should have had someone give ME a tingly left eye that day…
People mean well. Thinking of you guys as I moon walk slowly backwards out the door to avoid any awkward statements I might make 🙂
LYNN! LORDY, Before I entered this world of ‘IF’ I said ALL of these comments and probably some other pretty bad ones. People do mean well. I think there are so many who don’t fully understand it or again do not know others who have walked that path. So it is hard to understand the unknown. That’s why Chris and I take those moments to puke the 411 when we are given the opportunity. How are you doing Lynn?
Hehehe, I totally laughed out loud when I read this one. We have had ALL of these things, and way more, said to us. We actually had people in China ask us how much our child “cost”. I’ve had my own family members say “don’t you want your own child”….duh, I am pretty sure she is mine. At least all the bills I pay for her indicate she is. 😉 And as far as #5 goes, its been almost 8 years since we adopted our daughter and I still haven’t gotten pregnant…so I guess that isn’t some magic fertility treatment after all. Hehehehe!! Good stuff!
I feel your pain. My wife and I were in your shoes and we adopted out son over a year ago. It is hard to understand at times how to react to people but learning to do it in the right way will help out kids learn to respond correctly as well. Thanks for your blog post.