By now many of you had a chance to see our True Life episode. We are happy we can talk about it finally. We are bloggers. In the world of blogging, holding in that kind of secret was damn near impossible. We had the challenge of having to write around what was happening in our lives! So we thought now, since it is all out there we can finally share what we went through while the camera was staring down at us.
First and foremost being on camera in not easy. Here is the skinny. There are these things called OTF’s “on the flys” which is a quick impromptu interview after an event or situation. You would be asked a series of questions. It is then, when all of the lights turn out in your brain. I am talking your vocabulary reduces down to three words and ‘ummm’ is one of those 3. You can also expect that it will be the time you will have the largest zit of your existence on your face. So… deer in headlights, Mount Everest on your face, and you are essentially talking about baby-making or lack thereof… no pressure though.
We are looking forward to getting back to our normal posts but couldn’t resist doing a scene by scene of what was missed or for that matter, what the hell was going through our heads at the time. So grab some popcorn, here is our version of what happened.
Scene 1- Life is a Throw-up Highway
Yep that’s right, I got to hurl on national TV. After reflecting on that moment for a bit, let’s rewind back to when we were getting ready to leave our house. Bear in mind some pretty awesome scenes didn’ make the cut. I had a hysteroscopy/laparoscopy that day. To prepare for those, you have to take a cervix softener prior to your surgery. So we pick up the bottle of these lovely pills and the instructions were as follows: “Take two per vagina daily”. Last time I checked I had 1 vagina. Maybe this is our problem? So I pop those two bad boys in and 20 minutes later the nausea starts to hit. Lucky girl. Did I mention this was the first time the film crew came down to film us? “Hi! nice to meet you my name is…. BLLLAAHHHHHHHH”
Scene 1 – Riding the Cotton- Cowboy
Again some good scenes were on the cutting room floor, including one the main producer really liked which was at a park for an art festival. This is one of those epic IF scenes many of you reading can relate to. I was worried about the finality of our last IVF round we were about to start, Aunt Flo was late and we wanted to get out of the house. At the park right in front of us had to be someone related to the The Duggars. There was a lady massively pregnant with a double stroller of baby twins in tow. COME ON, REALLY? So I exited stage left and had to “re-center” myself far away from Fertile Myrtle. More notable on this shoot was the fact that 3 dudes , count that 3 MALES were stalking me until I started CD1. One of those 3 men was Mr. Chris mind you. For those who are unfamiliar with IF lingo, CD1, is the holy day of starting your fertility cycle. CD1 means, go ahead and start injecting because 18 days later you will be doing a transfer. Ever heard of that saying that a watched pot never boils? That was my life. These poor producers missed birthdays, anniversaries and all kinds of time away from their loved ones simply waiting for me to start my period. I was trying everything to make it happen. I have never seen guys more excited about a menstrual cycle. I mean seriously, imagine having a drink with your buddy after spending 4 or 5 days with waiting-for-period-girl. “Hey man, how was your film shoot out of town? Dude, it suckkkkkkkkked! I had to wait around for like 4 days for this chick to get on the rag”. Oddly, I have not had a cycle since then. Cheers to my angry uterus- I can just hear it snicker inside… {evil laugh style} “Muah ha ha ha… you can’t have a baby AND I am going to make these guys’ lives hell for the next few days Muah hahaha”.
Blog Post Reference: I’m on over-flo
Scene 2- Milkshake of Terror {Dun DUN DUNNNNNNNN}
Yeah I was terrified. At some point through that I thought I was going to die or they were some weird paid-off ninja nurse assassins sent out to do me in. So all of those no-gloved, vein blowing, medication spilling antics you saw… well there were more. We wrote about it in this post. There was more that was edited out, i.e., more medication squirting out across the room and countless fumbling around. And more importantly, who sends a pregnant chick to do a fertility procedure? ** Disclosure, the nurses were from a homecare organization, not from our clinic** We actually had a 2nd intralipid treatment, with a different company, that was seamless.
Blog Post Reference: That’s not how to Drink a Milkshake
Scene 3- Frostys!
We had a sperm and egg shaped cookie making party prior to our transfer. The important thing to take home from this is that all of the males involved were coerced into wearing aprons while handling sperm shaped cookies. The producers that were there filming this grand event were great about it and even ate a few of the cookies that didn’t make the cut. Even in baking, you have to separate the strong sperm-shaped swimmers from the weak ones. We put all of these cookies into boxes and brought them into our clinic. Whatever it takes you know? A little bribe for the fertility clinic so that they can put all of their good juju into this transfer…why not.
During the transfer the producers were awesome. They bunny-suited it up along with Chris and even skipped on showering or wearing cologne/perfume prior to the transfer. They went for the Hippie transfer right along with us. By the way MTV folk, we did not notice any unusual NYC smells emanating from you that day, so maybe you don’t need any fragrance enhancing products for your next shoot. I kid I kid. The most awkward bit of this was the filming of the actual transfer. I was spread eagle in stirrups with the whole world able to see my lady bits and there were the cameras. One was behind my head, no harm there. The other one though, was down by my feet and trying to capture a larger perspective of the room and what was going on. Uncomfortable for me, uncomfortable for him, and I am sure it made for some awkward moments in the editing room. Thanks for trimming all of those epic crotch shots out guys!Blog Post Reference: Egg-xellent Cookies
Scene 4- Home Pregnancy Test (POAS-aholic)
Ever hear a balloon deflate? That was the equivalent to my hopes when you witnessed the bathroom scene. We were sure this was it. We addressed the root of my infertility, which was implantation issues. My stomach looked like a small child had taken a bat to it and it was totally OK. I was a damn tiger and those were my stripes to motherhood. In that single moment with the negative result, that’s when the air let out of the balloon. Human will is incredible. Most did not notice this or could understand the real desperation or determine or just silly naivety, either way it is those e-mails and comments we got after this from those who knew how hard that last shot was. The shots I took after the negative home pregnancy test. It is when you are preparing yourself for the worst that you have to dredge up that last speck of hope, that maybe it was too early or a bad test. It is those shots that hurt the most. No physical pain other than the month long of bruises. Really, the emotional turmoil to push through and battle with your inner demons to just keep the faith, the hope that on Monday, 2 days from then, you will get a call saying that you are expecting.
With one more day to wait until my test, what do we do? Sit around and stare at each other not sure what the right thing to say would be? Again, we needed to get out of dodge, with our MTV guys in tow. At this point, they are simply family to us. We walked around a historic area and went in shops, just anything to distract us from our impending results. We would often get stopped and asked why we were being filmed. Well, since we had sworn secrecy, we just told them we were in a band. Chris got pinned in a corner by an aspiring bass player and we all walked away abandoning him at close enough distance to hear and watch that sinking ship go down. Love Chris, but his BSing skills are lack luster. All of us had some great laughs that day despite the dark cloud looming over us.
Scene 5- Blood Test
It is exactly what you saw and maybe a bit worse. Not the filming, but just the day. Tough to about this one but the one important thing to share is how amazing the film crew was. They were wiping tears away just filming our reaction to the news. For one of the film crew, he flew into town immediately after filming Jenna’s positive pregnancy test. I can’t imagine the emotional rollercoaster of that, but he definitely got a true taste of the cloud 9 to depths of Hell life that is IF. We cried in the bathroom for about an hour and the crew just sat in our living room, patiently waiting for us to emerge. No caterpillar to butterfly transformation out of the bathroom either. They stuck it out and captured those very vulnerable moments right after we got out of the bathroom. Even more so, after they left our house, they gave us a few hours and then called to check on us and asked if they could bring us dinner. Like I said, amazing people!
Blog Post Reference: Our Second Misconception
Scene 5.5- Why not look into Adoption?
A lot of people have asked that question since the show aired. Well, to answer that questions, we did. And of course, we brought the MTV producers right along with us. We actually met with two different agencies in our area before deciding to proceed with Bethany Christian Services. They operate in so many states, and since we decided to do domestic infant adoption, that was very encouraging for us. They also offer a lot of workshops, after-adoption counseling, and other positive and constructive outlets to make sure that the adoption, bonding, and family forming process is as seamless and loving as possible. We actually were filmed for our intake interview and kept the producers updated as we filled out our paperwork, submitted our background investigations (fingerprinting included), got our physicals and drug tests, had our first home study, and participated in the requisite 2 day workshop discussing all things adoption. We actually were just a few steps away from being put on “the list” to start to be shown to expectant biological mothers looking to pursue adoption for their child. Our surrogacy opportunity was a curveball for us and a curveball for the producers. We hope they do not have some kind of dartboard somewhere with our faces on it for putting them through the ringer trying to capture and tell our story. Welcome to the world of IF and uncertainty folks.
Blog Post Reference: Our Curveball
Part of the “A-Team” checking out our blog.
Scene 6- Surro-Surprise
Yep, you all were probably just as shocked as we were to see what the outcome would be. It’s also pretty recent news in the grand scheme of things. She noticed a post about us announcing our adoption and at that moment, she sent a lone FB message. One that would change our lives regardless of what the outcome will be. There were two blogs written about this show that have stuck with me. Both mentioned this scene and both nailed what I felt at that moment. If you want some other good blog reads try out Inconceivable and Fox in the Hen House. They eloquently wrote exactly how I was feeling. It is in that moment that I shroud, suppress, hide any notion of happiness. It is hard to explain, but really I need to keep fighting, not dreaming, towards realizing any positive ‘what if’ scenario we have playing at the moment. I will have my dream once he/she/they are placed in my arms. Until then, we move forward one step at a time.
We will be sharing our surro adventures right here on our blog and we hope those reading this will be along for the ride.
Also, if you missed it, check out Fran Meadows interview with us. Love you Fran!!
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I have been reading your blog and also happened to watch you on MTV. My husband and I have been ttc for 9 years and we have had many moments like you had in your bathroom. Seeing you curled up in bed, I have felt how you were feeling at that moment. I cried along with you because I understand how heartbreaking this all is. I cried because at that moment, I knew I wasn’t alone in this personal hell that never seems to end. You did a brilliant job of being real and showing the “ugly” side of IF treatments not working. While I wish your journey on MTV had ended differently, I’m so thankful that you were brave enough to show the world what it is really like. You don’t personally know me, but I pray for you that your surrogacy is seamless and brings you your beautiful gift(s)!
I watched your episode of True Life online, shortly after it aired on TV I assume. My husband and I have just begun the infertility process with lots of tests going around for the both of us. I hopped online not but a few days ago and Googled infertility blogs and ran across yours. I wanted to thank you for being so open and honest about everything. Your school of thought with one foot in front of the other and embracing realism versus dreams is helping me try and let go of a sense of control about all of this. Again, thank you for sharing your story and my fingers are crossed for this curve ball to turn out to be your happily ever after.
This is awesome!
This is SO random and completely unrelated… But where are your couches from?? I was obsessing over your living room throughout the entire episode.
Hey Victoria. True story I have bee crawling behind and looking for tags but no luck! The are microfiber and we got them about 4 years ago. That really makes me feel good that you like living room!! I have a tinge of OCD so when they would film I would look around and see dust bunnies I missed or a big clump of random dog hair I forgot to sweep up and think to myself DAMN! I missed that, I hope no one notices. I have issues I know.