Sometimes, very intense situations in our lives cause us to go through an entire emotional re-wire. Things we took for granted before suddenly take on a whole new meaning and we are left with a new world to live in. It is these moments that we are tested and we either can get through our struggle and come out a better, more fulfilled person. Or, we can sink in the quicksand of emotional turmoil, become stagnant and the malignancy of our struggles spreads into every facet of our lives. We are never prepared for this moment of decision nor are we aware of how things will turn out.
With that, we are excited to share with you Stacie’s story. She has artfully captured her struggle with what at first seemed to good to be true as it turned into a nightmare when she miscarried. See how her encounter with this life changing event has turned her into a much greater and empathetic parent and friend. We hope you will be as encouraged by her story as we were.
Stacie’s story:
Unexpected Gifts
“A butterfly lights beside us like a sunbeam
And for a brief moment its glory
and beauty belong to our world
But then it flies again
And though we wish it could have stayed…
We feel lucky to have seen it.”
-Author Unknown
Life’s most precious gifts are often unexpected, as I found out in September 2003, when I became a mother at 20 years old. Motherhood filled my life with so much joy and happiness. I couldn’t imagine my life without my little boy. So when I found out I was pregnant again in July of 2011, I was nearly bursting at the seams. I was so excited to be adding another child to our family, and my son would finally get that sibling he had been begging for. I immediately began to scour the internet for deals on maternity clothes and baby gear and started making lists of names that hopefully both my husband and I could agree on. Life was perfect, too perfect. Then came the spotting; just a little at first. My doctor’s office assured me it is often a normal part of pregnancy, but had me come in for a series of blood work. My hCG levels were increasing, which was a good sign, but my progesterone level was low. I started supplements right away and scheduled an ultrasound to make sure all was progressing well. The days seemed to drag on and on and the wait was excruciating. I convinced myself that my worrying was for nothing. Miscarriages happen to other women, not to me. Finally, August 1st came, the day of my ultrasound. My husband joined me in the room, where I laid on the table, unbuttoned my pants, and watched as the ultrasound tech smeared warm jelly over my lower abdomen. A large image of the ultrasound was displayed on the wall across from the table; I held my breath as I watched her take measurements and look for signs of a heartbeat… nothing. After being assured by the tech that an internal ultrasound was often needed to confirm viability this early in a pregnancy, I was sent to the bathroom to empty my bladder, giving me hope that all was not lost. I tried to remain positive and convince myself that we would leave the office with good news. Once I was undressed and the internal exam started, I stared intently at that same large screen hoping, wishing, and praying to see anything resembling a fetus or heartbeat… still nothing. While the ultrasound tech was not authorized to comment on the ultrasound and I had to wait for the doctor to review the results before I would receive an official diagnosis, I knew from reading every piece of literature I could find on early ultrasounds, what I had just seen on my ultrasound was not good news. No heartbeat, no visible fetus, just an empty sac. I was devastated. I was sent for more blood work, and then told to go home and wait for the doctor to call with the results, but I already knew that my pregnancy would not continue. My doctor was sympathetic and matter of fact with the results and recommended a D&C later that week. Knowing that I could not endure waiting for my body to get the message that my pregnancy was not progressing, I agreed. Five days later I had my pregnancy surgically removed from my body.
I never would have imagined the heartache and emptiness that followed. I was going through the motions and felt like a shell of a human being. I sobbed myself to sleep every night. I felt like God had robbed me of my precious baby and all the dreams I had for him or her. Why would He allow me to get pregnant, and then take that baby away before I even got to hear a heartbeat or feel it move? What was the purpose of this pregnancy? Initially my vision was so clouded by the anger and sadness that accompanied my miscarriage; I couldn’t see the meaning behind my baby’s short life. Gradually as those raw emotions faded, I began to see the gifts that my baby gave me:
I am now a more empathetic person. I can relate and connect to fellow baby loss mothers, because I have lived that nightmare. While this is a sad and terrible “club” to join, it is comforting to know that I am not walking this path in life alone, and it is rewarding to know that I have to opportunity to help others through their difficult times by supporting them and sharing my experiences.
I don’t take life for granted anymore. Losing my baby taught me that life has NO certainties. I make a conscious effort to live each day to the fullest and focus on the important things in life, because I have learned that they can be taken from you in the blink of an eye. No, my house is not always clean, my laundry is not always washed and put away, and I often have a sink full of dirty dishes; BUT… My children are happy, healthy, well adjusted human beings, so why sweat the other stuff?
Finally, my experience with loss has made me a better mother. I love, with my whole heart, a child whom I have never met, and will never get to meet during my lifetime here on Earth. The depth of this unwavering, undying, unending love was beyond my comprehension before my loss.
The road to acceptance takes time to travel. I didn’t wake up one morning, suddenly accepting my loss and recognizing those positives that have come from it. The process is gradual. Even two years and a healthy pregnancy later, I still have moments where the grief and sadness feel as raw and fresh as the day of my ultrasound. But, the bad days are fewer and far between. Most days, I choose to create a positive legacy for my child and focus on how my loss changed my life for the better. This is my gift to my angel in Heaven.
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