Spoiler alert: this is not intended to be an uplifting, motivational post, i.e., the ‘might’ I am referring to is not the powerful, awe-inspiring might, it is the might as in ‘could happen.’
Candace and I have a surrogate. She is pregnant with our child. We are over the moon excited about it. However, when we talk about plans post-gestational period, we say we ‘might’ be parents. What?! Didn’t I just say we have a preggo surro? Yep. Is there something to make you think the pregnancy is at risk? Nope. Actually, our surro is doing great, all the blood work has checked out, our little jelly bean is developing just like it should. So, what is the issue? Experience. Candace and I are no spring chickens when it comes to the world of IF and after being steeped in the cycle of hope, desperation, failure, and rebuilding, we have developed an incredible resilience. The unfortunate double-sided sword impact of this though is that we have developed a resilience to prevent us from being hurt too deep but also from being able to fully embrace the good, the blessings bestowed upon us. We are waiting for the crumbling away of our in-the-moment joy to begin. And it sucks!
We have been waiting to celebrate all of these moments for 7 years. We have a surro that has allowed us to be very engaged with the pregnancy. We are at every appointment, as close as we are comfortable getting. Even if I am staring at my shoelaces, I get the opportunity to be right there as we learn more and more about how the pregnancy is going. We have all of these events, each a truly cherished memory, and yet, we carry around this 20 ton elephant of previous disappointment that is constantly telling us, “Don’t get too attached, you know it is only temporary like all the other times.” Who knew elephants could talk, right? Anyway, this damn elephant drags along with us for all sorts of things; ultrasound appointments, text messages back and forth with our surro, talking about the baby’s room, and talking about (finally) being parents. Honestly, I think we ‘might’ be carrying this elephant of doubt until we are holding our little jelly bean, and maybe even a little bit after that too.
There is no training to get the elephant to leave us alone. We can’t throw peanuts over a cliff and hope the elephant goes for them. We can’t undergo therapeutic hypnotism to trick our brains into thinking the elephant is a swimsuit model … at least I don’t think we can, I need to do some Internet searching on that. But, there are very rare instances where we push the elephant out of our psyches and truly experience that intangible, irresistible joy that we have sought after for so long. I want to share with you the lucky experience I had to watch Candace boot the elephant out at our latest ultrasound.
This was our first ultrasound at our surro’s OB. Man it was exciting! We were going to get to see our jelly bean again, maybe hear a heartbeat, maybe be reassured that everything is going okay. That last one was Mr. Doubt elephant that insisted on coming along with us. We went into the ultrasound room and, for the first time, they did an ultrasound on our surro’s belly. No clue what that is called but it was not another uninvited visit from Mr. Ultrasound wand. Well, when the ultrasound tech found our jelly bean and focused on it, we all saw the baby move! Jerk really but I guess that is what they are supposed to do at 8 weeks. It was incredible! I have no idea why I was so excited to see that, but I would have rather sat there and watched that than anything else I had watched on a TV screen before. My reaction was nothing compared to Candace’s though. She crumbled. I mean Walls of Jericho falling kind of crumbling. Seeing our jelly bean actually move brought life to the idea of our surro being pregnant and Candace, for that brief moment, sent that Mr. Doubt elephant to Antarctica! It has been one of my favorite memories thus far in our journey to becoming parents. I saw all of those walls, all those years of disappointment fall to the ground and Candace was smiling, crying, and having trouble standing and talking. Mr. Doubt elephant is a greedy mammal though. And he was quick to return to being front and center in Candace’s conscious. She glowed with this joy for about 10 minutes after the appointment but quickly began to dull. As those walls were rebuilt and the doubt returned, I knew that the temporary ‘will be parents’ returned to ‘might be parents.’ Unfortunate for Mr. Doubt elephant though, I witnessed the whole thing. I have that memory, that brief moment when I saw my wife overflowing with joy and excitement about her future, and sorry Mr. Doubt elephant, I am keeping that memory.
We won’t be able to say with any certainty that we will be parents until our baby is successfully and safely born. But, after seeing Candace’s reaction that day, I think Mr. Doubt elephant lost some grip on me, he lost some weight. Now, he is only a 19.5 ton elephant and I hope he continues to shrink every day until there is no longer any ‘might’ left in us.
After three miscarriages, and now heading into our second fresh IVF cycle (1st fresh didn’t stick at all, and our FET with the remaining embryo turned into a “maybe” pregnancy, which then turned into a miscarriage just as the hormones were rising), this Elephant is with me every moment of every day. I honestly am unable to comprehend the ability of women to have faith that their pregnancies will work out, obviously I envy them on many many levels, but I think their innocent faith is one of the things I envy the most. I lost mine a long long time ago. Prayers to both of you, and your little jellybean. Good luck!
It sounds like it would be very challenging to have any optimism after all that you have been through. I don’t know whether to call it faith, stubbornness, or ignorance but we seem to keep putting our hand in the same boiling water and hoping that the next time, we won’t get burned. Although you have been through so much, I know you will continue to move forward and I hope that one day you will pull your hand out burn-free. Thanks for your story and prayers!
We prayed daily for God to keep our baby super glued in our gestational carrier due to the elephant of might. Hang in there!
Thank you for your comment and letting us know that we are not the only ‘crazy ones’ worried every time our surro sneezes!
Have faith that things will work out for you. You are blessed to have such amazing friends.
Chris and Candace you and your little jelly bean will be in my prayers daily!!!!
Wow I was just watching your appearance on MTV and reading your blog brought tears of joy. It took me and my husband 3 years to become pregnant after our first miscarriage about 6 years ago. I honestly thought we were going to be unable to have kids of our own so I gave up for a while..and then iI just decided to take a home pregnancy test expecting it to be negative like every other time and pow there it was saying we were pregnant I literally almost fell to the floor and started to cry. Our daughter is now a year and a half old healthy as can be. Im telling my story because I know exactly the feeling of being worried and holding off on the excitement because you can never really know if everything will be ok but you have to truly put your faith in gods hands or whatever religion you believe in. This was meant to be trust in your heart. You guys are going to be amazing parents to your little bean 🙂
Hi! I just wanted to let you know how happy I am for you guys and I wish you two the best. You guys have been through so much and deserve to have this opportunity. You guys, you’re surro, and you’re future baby are in my thoughts and prayers! I can’t wait to see what the future holds for you. Keep your heads up!
I just saw your True Life episode on MTV and I searched for an update on both couples because you all moved me to tears and I wanted so much to read that you went ahead with the surrogacy and YOU ARE HAVING A BABY!! I don’t even know you but I am so happy for your family. Stay strong! <3