Candace and I both worked in restaurants for several years during college. She was mainly front of the house (hostess, server, bartender, manager) while I was mainly in the kitchen. Being in the kitchen, if there was one way we injured ourselves too numerously to count, it was getting burned. Somewhat similar to getting pregnant, there are a whole host of myths and wives tales for how best to heal from a burn. You should put it under cold water, you should put it under warm water, you should put butter on it (never understood that one), put a bandaid on it, put burn spray on it. I adopted a somewhat different strategy though… I touched it… a lot. My thought is that if I continue to touch it, ultimately it will be desensitized and I can move on with using my hand like normal. Now, I’m not talking about burns that go to the bone and look like a combination of the surface of the Moon and Swamp Thing. I am talking about simple burns, hot butter that gets on your hand, a drop of rebellious grease that decided to part ways with its brethren that were in the fryer, checking to see if the water is hot enough to put the pasta in; that kind of thing. What’s the alternative? Treat the burn like it is a life-jeopardizing injury. If you burned your finger, don’t use your whole hand. If you have a burn on your right forearm, try to be ambidextrous and do everything with your left arm. At the end of the day though, no matter how much you shield yourself from having your burn come into contact with anything, even air, eventually you will brush against something or someone will bump into you. And that burn, that little puff of red or blistered skin, will hurt like you were thrown into a blender. So, now you have incapacitated yourself to prevent the pain from happening and guess what, it came anyway. Doesn’t sound like a great strategy to me.
3. Take an “IF-ie” and join the Virtual Art Project. The author of The Truth Behind The Secret “Infertility” is rallying for those to raise awareness through this art summit. Here’s what you do, take a Selfie. Maybe at your clinic, maybe on a good hair day, or when your lazy eye is actually being productive (my personal habitual photo issue) be creative, either way you can send up to 4 shots to this email with a quick blurb about your journey no later than 4/18. You can reference your name or can opt to stay anonymous. Just indicate that in your email.
Hey C&C. This post totally resonates with me. I remember after we lost Jack sitting on the couch and forcing myself to watch crappy episodes of the Baby Story on TLC. Like if I forced myself to see babies alone, on TV, it would make me care less when I saw them in person. Giant fail. I just saw there crying, hating those people who had what I wanted. So jealous of them I could feel the envy seeming out of me. Those were dark, dark, days. I also tried AVOIDING those shows, and any ‘trigger’ that might bring back ‘the burn’. That didn’t work either though. It still hurt like a MoFo when confronted with anything baby/child related.
That’s the kicker about IF and child loss. YOU. CANT. WIN. Youre damned if you do and damned if you don’t. You can push on the sore spot, and let the pus ooze from it–or you can wrap it up in layers and layers of gauze so its protected from any pressure–and it STILL IS THERE. And you know what–even if you leave it alone long enough for it to heal–theres the scar that will form. A scar isn’t like the ‘old’ skin. Its tender and raw and new…sigh.
Boy did you guys nail A great analogy for all this sh%t we go through. I think of you both EVERY day. Youre never far from my prayers at night when I look back on my blessings of the day, and ask for help with my struggles and the struggles of those in my life. I hope you know how supported you are by friends you’ve never met.
XOXO
Lynn
Who said that you don’t learn every single life lesson by the time you get out of college! Lynn, it is always great to hear from you and get a bit more insight into your emotions and how you have dealt with IF and child loss and. Great point about the scar too! We know several people who have experienced child loss and it is a truly polarizing event. For those that try to ignore it though, it seems to become all consuming. I am in endless awe of those that can honor the child they lost by recognizing how it impacts them, moving forward, and never accepting defeat. Your an inspiration to us and your blessings are greatly appreciated!
My husband and I are just beginning to ride the fertility-quest-roller-coaster. We are still in a bit of denial as there isn’t a specific “cause” for our lack of conception. We do not discuss our position with others, yet we feel “burned” by people’s comments about babies and parenthood. These experiences have left me feeling bitter, even towards people that do not deserve it. This post has helped so much. I can’t say that I’m comfortable with our situation (who would be?), but I realize now I need to get over the sensitivity and just do what it takes. So thank you from a newbie to this situation.
Well newbie, welcome to our ‘secret’ organization! We also fall into the ‘Hell if I know what’s wrong’ category of infertility. It is very frustrating and unfortunately, it is something that we will never really be able to answer. Don’t be too concerned about being over-sensitive regarding your baby quest, I think keeping the topic guarded is a truly natural response. We didn’t go public until about 3 years into the journey. It is more important for you to be able to be aware of your situation yourself. If you can look in the mirror and say “I am battling infertility and I will not give up today!” well, then that is a great place to be. Whether other people know that or not is purely personal preference. If you have any questions or are curious about what next steps to take, please e-mail us. We definitely spun our wheels in the wrong direction several times and if we can help you avoid that, all the better. Good luck!