I have a complex. We see our wonder surro frequently and Chris and I are very lucky that she does not live too far away from us. It is also is a little bittersweet too. The reality of it all, is our baby is 20 minutes away from us in another home and in another body. Because our gestational carrier is so close to us we are able to go to every appointment. We have not missed a single one. How could I? It is the small period of time that I can for a moment experience this pregnancy. Even if it is just sitting next to her in the waiting room. I am close, I can touch her belly and be a part of the process.
When you go into a surrogacy agreement there are some hard line items that each party will request. Our wonder surro had delivered multiple births at a specific hospital in the area previously and her OB had delivered all of her pregnancies. So when she told us her preference was to keep the same hospital and OB, we completely understood. I also pouted a little, ok maybe a lot inside, because I really do love my OB. I trust her. She is invested in our journey and even now she still answers all of my questions concerning my ‘unpregnant’ pregnancy. Naturally, it would be a hard sell for me to warm up to our wonder surro’s OB. When Chris and I met with the new OB we drilled her with questions. We explained to her OB that we wanted full involvement. I just wanted the warm and fuzzies. This was going to be the care provider that would oversee our baby’s development and growth in utero and I wanted her to understand that surrogacy is a party of three.
This all went south when the 3 of us sausaged ourselves into a small exam room at one of our appointments and that same provider we had sat down with and poured out our infertile hearts too weeks prior, looked at my wonder surro as asked her directly if she would be doing a AFP test. For those who are unsure what that is, it is a simple blood draw that can tell you whether a baby is at an increased risk for certain genetic problems. Some of the conditions the test screens for are chromosomal abnormalities like Down syndrome and Trisomy 18, as well as neural tube defects like spina bifida. Yes, my wonder surro would be the one getting the test, but damn shouldn’t the OB have afforded that question to us? Now our wonder surro did not skip a beat. She looked at her OB and said should you ask the parents? Hello OB {waiving flares and flags}!! We are right here in this small room, kinda hard to miss us. But she did. Our presence is secondary. My ‘unpregnant’pregnancy is just that secondary. We have found many situations where IF still is ever present. For someone who has just had a failed IVF round or adoption placement, baby showers feel like you are a lone outcast that does not quite fit in. It is the same feeling for me here in the OB office. We are that puzzle piece that looks like it might fit but no matter how hard you press it back into the empty spot, it simply will not fit.
I should learn really though. After multiple appointments the same thing happens every time. Here is what will typically happen; when the nurse calls our wonder surro back to the clinic area I jump up like I have won the lottery or a spin at the wheel on the Price is Right show. Only to have the nurse who is nowhere as cool as Bob Barker or Drew Carey tell me she will call me back separately. Dejectedly, I shuffle back to my chair avoiding stares of other pregnant couples and waiting patients. I’m pretty sure those waiting room spectators are wondering what the hell is up with that situation? Is that the baby’s mama, mama? Or is that the sister of the daddy to be? Or is this some weird love triangle from the show Big Love? With a rush of insecurity pulsing through my mind, I uncomfortably wait patiently to be called in to meet back up with my little jellybean and wonder surrogate in the exam room.
You know what? Yeah, I may just be a spectator. I am riding pine here in this pregnancy game, but I am an integral part of a team. There are 3 people invested in my child’s life. WOW. That is 3 people who are caring for her and hoping she has a safe and healthy entrance into this world. She is, I am and Chris is lucky we have surrogacy and our wonder surro to be that pitch hitter for us. I will have 9 months without her, but I will have a life time with her, which makes any challenge we face obsolete.
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I think it’s awful the way they are treating you.
Despite being made to feel like the third wheel, I like how once again, you have continued to look at the bright side of things and keep your eyes focused on the ultimate prize — your baby!
I left a comment here back in January…hopefully, you’ll remember me. I am the gestational carrier who once herself also experienced infertility, so I understand both sides of the fence.
When I was GS, my OB and his office did an exceptional job of not making my IPs feel like they were the back-up dancers. He did state from our first appointment (which I think was important) that because I and the baby technically were his patients, there would be times when he would have to direct questions to me first because it concerned my body primarily and their baby secondarily, but that he had the understanding that I would defer the questions to the IPs. I understood that, and my IPs did, too. He established what we could expect right from the start. Even with that, he still addressed all questions to both of us and seemed to have a good gauge on when to direct a question to me (“Have you been feeling any Braxton-Hicks contractions?”) or to my IPs (“Have you thought about whether you want cord blood banked or not?”
Even in the best of GS/IP/OB triangles, it’s always a good idea to write a detailed birth plan to help minimize some of these awkward situations during and after the delivery. Definitely work on with your GS to get all of your expectations and hopes out in the open. In places where you see opposing views, it’s better to talk it out ahead of time instead of when emotions are running high during delivery. When you both agree, present it to the OB just in case anything you want goes against hospital policy in some way. If it does, hopefully there are some rules that can be bent (for example, we knew I would need a planned c-section. Per policy, only 1 person is allowed in the ER. My OB allowed for 2 people, and I chose for both of my IPs to be present). The best case scenario would be to have a planned meeting the delivery floor in the third trimester and discuss the birth plan with them. A good time to do this would be to arrange time after the maternity floor tour. We did all of these things somewhere around week 30, and it really did help to make the delivery and our hospital stay go smoothly.
I wrote this Crib Sheet for expectant parents via surrogacy a couple of years ago: http://www.blogher.com/advice-surrogate-intended-parents. I thought it might be helpful to you! Please don’t hesitate to let me know if there is anything I can do to help or if you have any questions!
I’m so glad that you’re writing about this. You’re opening up the door for more discussion and understanding about this topic. You shouldn’t be treated that way but I can see how it’s happening because so many don’t know that you are who you are in the situation. You’re doing great.
I just watched your episode of true life, as I have a few times before, and im elated to hear you are expecting! Please know this news makes even a total stranger smile in delight!