This risk was greater than my fear…
Candace- That’s what I had to tell myself. Over and over and over and over and over…ad nauseum. We are on the threshold of a new year. Which is filled with energy and hope and a few righteous hangovers. Or if you are like me, it has begun with a few self-help books that is sitting in your Amazon cart and a promise to see the light of a gym…soon…maybe…ah, perhaps I’ll shoot for next week?
We all have fears.
Of that beastly spider that looks like a bus but we all know is really the size of a pinhead
The chance of a sneaky peek-a-boo string sighting, popping out of your bikini bottoms during “that time of the month”
Having to poop in a public bathroom (with a full house of people waiting on your occupied stall)
We also take risks.
Powerball anyone?
Taco Bell—runnnnnn for (or from) that boarder.
That man or woman you said yes too. A risk but so worth it, on most days.
The biggest fear for all of us, well most of us, is REJECTION. Ugh, remember that first breakup? Wesley if your reading this…you totally missed out. F-er. How about a little closer to home. Look in your trashcan or bank account. For me, it was staring down at a filled trashcan of negative pregnancy tests every month and the perforated lines of my checkbook from the checks that wiped out our bank account with nothing to show for it. Then doing it all over again only to face the same rejection. It fucking sucks.
So how do you take yet another risk? Especially when your hand is burnt to a well-done crisp from the blazing hot stove of failure. It’s hard putting your already fragile heart on the line when you know taking that risk may lead to breaking into a bazillion pieces again. The glue can only hold it together but so long.
I remember the fear of thinking that my husband wouldn’t want a broken wife who couldn’t bear a child. I feared that I would let down my parents for not being able to provide them with a grandchild. I feared not being able to experience pregnancy. Mostly, I feared never being able to become a mother.
But, one thing that keeps me going is the fear. Chris told me that he asks his interns if they are nervous or afraid before giving their final presentation at the end of their internship. When they say, “Yes,” which is about 99% of the time, his response is simple. “Good!” he says, “That means you care.” Fear, it is that thing that can sap everything out of you if you let it. It can also be used as a source of fuel for our unquenchable fires to keep seeking our dreams.
I am now fearful of our next steps. There is no crystal ball that comes with life unfortunately. I think I am ok with that. I will take my fear just as I have done for years prior, and take the risk of happiness. So friends I guess where I am going with all of this is, failure sucks and it is totally ok to be fearful. But life is about taking risks and owning that fear. Without them, those fears, risks, failures we would not have the chance of true happiness.
