Chris- Well, we did it … almost. We almost have the house ready for Christmas. It has been a bit more challenging this year than last. In years prior, we popped open a bottle (or six) of wine and started the decorating ordeal. Turn up the Christmas music, put on some shoes, start hoofin’ it up and down the very rickety attic access stairs to get the storage containers of Christmas decorations down. All appendages and spinal column intact, now it is time to see how terrible Father Time and Mother Nature have been on our stash of holiday cheer.
This year though, it has been a little different. For so many Christmas’s past we would stare at 2 lonely stockings. Now, with Jellybean in our lives and approaching 18 months, there was no decorating when she is up! Nope, it is a “decorate after little ones sleep” approach to unfurling our Christmas cheer this year: which must be awesome for Jellybean – “I went to bed and this was a boring old living room, now I wake up and it is red, green, flashy, and noisy!” I must admit, even I, in my infinite maturity (which Candace may claim I simply don’t possess), feel the draw of the Christmas spirit once the house is decorated. An interesting feeling crept over us which led to a very non-Christmas conversation as Candace and I decorated the tree this year: how do we celebrate the second one?
I am sure it comes as no surprise to all of you that Candace and I have been talking of a second child. And why not! Candace has had a hysterectomy, we have never been able to get pregnant, and it was only because of our wonder surro and our amazing RE and staff that we have our Jellybean! Wouldn’t it be the only logical thing to do to throw ourselves back into the fray of family building with the odds stacked even more against us?
Back to our living room then. We were taking out all of these ornaments, the ornaments we prayed over for years to own; “Baby’s First Christmas,” “And then there was three,” a spoon with a birth-date … you get the idea; well we started talking, “How are we going to make sure that ‘the NEXT one’ feels as loved, appreciated, wanted as our Jellybean?” Forget the fact that we haven’t taken the first step towards adoption, the only way we will have a NEXT one. Well, unless we become Publisher’s Clearing House winners in the nearest future. We aren’t getting any younger and we have had talks already about when to stop trying for a NEXT little one. Overlook the fact that we already feel crowded in our house and can’t afford to sell and buy expeditiously. Nope, we are embracing ignorant optimism here and already troubleshooting our adopted child’s emotional well-being.
How do we though? How do we make sure that, if God blesses us with a second child, our second child will feel as wanted and important as our Jellybean? Chances are, MTV will not want to capture the struggle to bring this child into our family. We already feel like we campaigned and fundraised so much for Jellybean that fundraising for our second child would be ostentatious of us. Besides, all of our friends are now enjoying free space and project room in their attics and garages from the whirlwind of donated items they gave us for garage sales. We probably won’t get 15 Christmas ornaments from everyone in our family dedicated to our second child. So what do we do? How do we compensate for the lack of multimedia extravagance, storied pre-birth history, seeming lack of caring from non-nuclear family? Basically, is our loving household and non-eloquent explanation enough for child #2 to know that they are as loved as Jellybean?
Ready for this jaw-dropping question … from a guy’s standpoint, will they be as loved? Gasp! Did he just suggest that he could love one child more than another? What audacity! I am just saying that, I have no clue what to expect. Can I love someone as much and in the same way as I do Jellybean? I don’t know how this works … I have never had two children before. What I can say is that I went through a very similar worry-filled thought process before our Jellybean was born. How could I make sure that I will love her enough? What is enough and what if I don’t genuinely “feel” it? I can tell you that, now that Jellybean is 18 months old (DANG that happened fast!), I have absolutely no doubt that I love her enough … more than enough … more than I can adequately define with the available vocabulary of our World.
Maybe decorating the tree this year led to some serious discussions. Maybe we had to decorate the house kind of cloak-and-dagger since we had to wait until Jellybean was either napping or sleeping for the night. Maybe I have no clue how to demonstrate equal love for 2 kids, or whether we will have 2 kids for that matter. Infertility has taken away that choice so it is something that we must get back in the ring for. All I know is that, right now, I have an amazing wife and an incredible Jellybean and I simply could not be happier. I know that if by fighting, climbing that #IF mountain again… we may have a chance at the next one. Whether you already have the family you seek or are still in the trenches of the infertility war, I hope you are encouraged by looking back on what you have gone through, where you are now, and where you aspire to be.
What a great post. Honestly, really wonderful. I wish MTV would do a documentary on secondary infertility, or adoption, because it matters. As someone who is waiting to adopt, I am excited that you are considering adoption. You have the platform to show what it is really like to go through this. Personally, I think your second baby will know you love them because after all you went through to get your Jellybean, and all of the emotional scars, and all of the years of tears and frustrations you are willing to go through it all again just to have a shot at having them. And that’s something. I don’t know what it’s like to go through what you have, but I hope your decision to climb the #IF mountain again is based on what you both really want. I can only imagine the unique position that you are in with all of the help and publicity from having your daughter, but (and I wasn’t) if I donated to your cause I would never want that to impact if you had a second one. There could be a baby out there that God intends for you to have. If I didn’t believe that was possible we wouldn’t be waiting to adopt right now.
Thank you Kate and we couldn’t agree more that, if God does have a baby out there intended for us, we would do all that we could to bring that child into our home. Another feeling that I have had about this, that I did not really touch on in the post, is the idea of greed. Is it greedy that we want a second child knowing that there are soooo many out there that are still doing everything they can imagine to get their first child? A kind of “bite of the forbidden fruit” that has left us wanting more. It never ceases to amaze me the array of emotions involved with family building when it involves non-traditional channels. And, although I have absolutely no experience with this, I have a suspicion that there is a similar, albeit shifted in particular content, range of emotions that families go through building their family using “traditional pathways.” IF anyone that is reading this has had more than one child using traditional pathways (that is not visiting an RE for a clinically romantic fertilization experience) I think it would be insightful to hear about your feelings. Consider sharing here or contact us directly by e-mail.
All parents worry about this when having a second child and shouldn’t. Surely one of you has siblings? Imagine having sibling rivalry or feeling unloved because your sister has more Baby’s First Christmas ornaments…it’s more likely there will be rivalry over whose better in sports or more popular in high school than over anything that happened prior to their conception. Just remember, you didn’t go through all of this to have Jellybean, specifically, but to have a family, and a new baby would be a part of that family. Jellybean just happened to be the first one to come along. As wonderful and as much of a blessing as she is, you’re still wanting a second child, so trust yourself 🙂