Everything seemed to be going right. It was trying to get to this point, but you got that BFP. You are excited and start thinking about how your life will be changed. Then IT happens, you lose your child and have to pack up those dreams, those plans, those changes. You pack them in a box in a dark recess of your psyche with hope that you will be able to unpack them in the future.
We are thankful to Ryanne, a fellow blogger at www.girlryanne.blogspot.com, who has bravely shared her story of multiple miscarriages and how they have impacted her and her husband. Yet, through it all, they have held on to hope.
Ryanne’s Story
Hi! I’m so grateful for this chance to share with you! My name is Ryanne, and I have been married for 7 years and trying to conceive for almost 4. My husband and I have two furbabies–a Mini Australian Shepherd (Kinley) and a Persian-Maine Coon mix (Jaye). We also have two angel babies.
My first loss was over two years ago, in April of 2013. After 18 months trying to get pregnant, I finally got that positive test. My husband and I were apprehensive, but excited. We ended up telling a lot of people right away, not thinking for a moment that we might have to take it back. I was about 6 weeks along when I had some spotting. I was told that it was probably nothing to worry about, but to keep an eye on it. A few days later it changed, and I was concerned, so I went in for an ultrasound. I was at work when I got that call, and I went next door to where my husband worked to ask him to come. I was shaking as I finished up at work and left for the day. We didn’t say a word all the way to the office. I’ll never forget the moment I saw the ultrasound screen. There was a sac, empty and black. The tech took measurements and instructed me to get dressed so we could see the nurse practitioner. When she left I told my husband that something was wrong, that the sac was empty and it shouldn’t have been. There should have been a baby and a heartbeat. At the time, the NP couldn’t rule out a miscarriage, offering the hope that I was just a little earlier than we thought. But I had been charting. I knew exactly when I ovulated. Blood work showed a big drop in progesterone from where I’d been, so they put me on a supplement. Unfortunately, it wasn’t enough. I lost my baby on April 29, 2013.
Eighteen months later, we had done our second IUI and I had gotten a positive test. My beta started out low, but was rising like it should. Only then, the third test showed that it had slowed down. That morning I was with my two year old niece. My husband and I were babysitting while my sister was having her second baby. I was so upset, but my husband encouraged me to be positive. While we were at the hospital, my sister asked me about the test results. Holding my brand new niece I had to tell her that it wasn’t good. I lost that baby five days later. October 29, 2014. My husband took it harder than he had the first. I listened as he cried on the phone with his best friend. That never happens, and seeing his grief made my own that much worse. I felt so broken. Not guilty, because it wasn’t like I meant to lose my babies. But totally inadequate because my body rejected them. I still struggle with those feelings!
My losses were each difficult in their own way. I found myself struggling with depression after my first loss as my “un-due date” approached. I didn’t experience that with my second loss, although I have had many tough days in the year since. The hardest part, for me, is that we don’t know why this happened. It goes that way with a lot of early miscarriages, unfortunately, and ours are no different. Still, I’m holding out hope that we will have a healthy little one someday soon!
If you would like to follow more of my story, stop by my blog (www.girlryanne.blogspot.com) or connect with me on Instagram (@girlryanneblog)!
Thanks for the opportunity! Ryanne
