Infertility and Parenthood
Is That a Booger on Your Shoulder?
I look over at my right shoulder and noticed the ginormous nose loogie that was placed ever so innocently there. The funny thing is, that this is not the first time I have been asked this question. Normally, having a very large booger hanging out on your shoulder would gross someone out to the point of stripping off their clothes in the midst of the hibie-jibee dance. For me, I look at it and smile, and say “why yes, yes it is.” Then wipe it off if it is not yet dried up or, if too much time has passed, it becomes a permanently affixed crusty addition to my wardrobe. That is, until I do the laundry next.
Now, I am not an avid nose-picker and Chris is not a nose flicker, so that leaves one person … Jellybean. It is actually quite impressive how such a small mini-human with such a tiny button nose can create the monstrous contents within. This normally happens when I pick her up and hold her. She will bury her face in my shoulder and leave behind a little special present for me or in most cases, someone else to point out and discover.
Over the past (almost) year, I have been puked on, peed on and pooped on. I have had a drool bomb directly hit the bull’s-eye of the inside of my mouth, eye and in most cases, typically down my shirt. I have bruises down my arms from teething bites and I nearly lost an earlobe recently.
It is these moments, that I appreciate our journey so much more. When I envisioned parenthood, yeah I thought it would be fluffy kittens hurdling over rainbows. You know, those quiet moments in the wee hours of the night rocking my babe to sleep in a nursery I had planned out in my head years prior. These were the visions that kept me going failure after failure. But what also kept me going was the not-so-fun stuff. The things that people complained about in newsfeeds. Those carelessly spewed comments of “be careful what you wish for” would push my inner aspiring mom-to-be to fight harder.
I desperately wanted what others complained about. I prayed to God and confessed that in good times and bad times I would never take a moment for granted.
So, I had a booger on my shoulder and I will probably find more in interesting places. I sure hope so.
I also have infertile guilt. It comes in many different layers. I feel guilty when I am overly frustrated that I have a vampire baby that has bitten me for the 10th time in a row. I feel guilty because I am really looking forward to nap time so I can hop in the shower and have “me time.” Someone else is praying for those bites, those shower-less days and those boogers on their shoulder. So I guess where I am going with this, is infertility never quite leaves you … and that’s okay. The same source of my guilty feeling when I put our Jellybean down thankfully to take a shower, is the same place that makes me so excited to pick her up again when her nap is over. So because of this struggle, parenthood is sweeter, even if I don’t always become overjoyed about the booger on my shoulder.
I reflect back on a post from fellow blogger friend, she-ro and advocate on this exact feeling. Whitney from Whitney and Erick blog perfectly stated:
“Once again, infertility can shove it. I’m done with it messing with my head.
I hereby declare that I’m giving myself permission to be real about my life and about parenting – the good and the not so good.”
Check out her entire blog post here.
Fact of the Day
According to the vast abyss of the inter-webs, there is no cool scientific name for the term “Booger”. I tried to find a better term for it. Instead, what I did find, is an entire blog post dedicated to there not being a scientific term for it. And there you have it folks, knowledge is power.